By John Gavin
I CAN ALWAYS FIND SOMETHING I WANT AT THE GOODWILL STORE.
Have you noticed there’s usually an item that catches your eye at Goodwill? I think it’s because most of their stuff reminds us of something we used to have. Maybe it’s an old Mr. Coffee that looks just like the one that always made your morning better. Or maybe it’s a jacket that’s reminiscent of a really warm coat you wish you hadn’t parted with.
A few years ago I was in a Goodwill store when I saw a desk I fell for immediately. It was sort of like a desk I’d had before, only better. Its color was a warm shade of cherry. Its lines were beautiful. And it was so big that its presence was, well, striking.
I bartered down the asking price and got them to throw in delivery to my house — as it turned out, that was the easy part. It was when the delivery truck arrived that I first understood how big this desk really was. The thing was massive. I had to enlist two of my stronger neighbors just to help the driver and me get it onto the porch. Once at the door, we regrouped for a strategy session on how to actually get this monster into my house.
Half an hour later we were still pitching ideas.
Once we finally wrestled the big desk inside, it became clear it was probably too large for any place but the dining room — so in that instant my dining room became my office. This decision was also influenced by my three helpers, who pointed out that the dining room, being in close proximity to the front door, might just be as far as they were willing to move my new behemoth.
So into the dining room it went — and stayed.
After that, meals were eaten either in the kitchen or the family room. But in my mind that was a small price to pay for this magnificently huge desk … that I almost never use. Amid my infatuation I had somehow forgotten that I always do my paperwork at the little table in front of my computer in the family room.
I started to think that maybe this desk didn’t fit my life. This point was underscored when I sprained my arm trying to move the thing to make a little more space. Now I am the proud owner of a desk I do not need and do not want — but man did it seem like a great idea when I first saw it in the Goodwill store.
There’s another place we shop for what, in a way, has been put there by others — the dating sites.
Last week Ricki wrote to ask why most of the guys she encounters on dating sites are so gun shy. She’s 42 and her dating range is men from about that age up to 50 or so. She asked me why the guys she’s meeting are so hesitant to commit to anything more than a casual relationship.
Ricki, here’s a big reason behind our unwillingness to get serious: Women divorce us guys all the time so they can go “find themselves.” Where they often find themselves is on a dating site. At which point they ask us to commit to them again.
See the issue?
In a study by Askmen.com it was reported that 70 percent of divorces in America are initiated by women. Once single, those women are then free to hit the dating sites in search of another guy. But what they fail to factor in is that, if they initiate seven out of 10 divorces, then it stands to reason that seven out of every 10 guys they go out with have themselves been on the receiving end of divorce papers. And a guy who’s been dumped by his wife after years of what he thought was a pretty good relationship will be in no big hurry to put himself in such jeopardy again.
I’ve heard women say that they got over their divorce, so the guy needs to get over it, too. And he will, eventually, maybe. But here’s the truth of the matter: It often takes a guy years to get over being divorced by his wife.
Most women have worked their way through the hurt by the time the divorce occurs and they get back on the singles market. The guy still has years of work ahead of him, if he gets there at all (it’s been rumored we’re not quite as good as the girls at working through our feelings). Yet despite the work he still needs to do, he’s out there dating as well.
This is a big issue — so what’s the fix?
First, we have to understand what’s happening to our marriages: Most guys get, at some level, that women “test” us. They test us early in a relationship to see if we’re that guy they can lean on. And we pass the test, which is why they agree to marry us in the first place. The part we men often don’t get is, that was only the beginning of the testing phase.
It’s said that while women tend to live in the future, we guys live in the past — and to us the past can be visualized as a to-do list. Either we’ve accomplished something, or we haven’t. When we get the girl, when she’s married us, we then check that item off the list. We say, “Will you marry me?” and “I do” and deem those utterances, now in the past, sufficient to demonstrate our love and commitment (we married her, didn’t we?).
But women, who keep an eye to the future, are continuing to test us to determine if we’re going to remain “the guy” next week, next month and next year. It’s innate — and often she is as clueless as we that she’s even doing it — but make no mistake: Women never stop testing.
If we continue to reassure her, then things tend to work out — but a failure to reassure is what chips away at a union. That’s how we guys can wake up 10 or 15 years into a marriage and find out it’s over — and we didn’t even see it coming.
And then we’re on either side of the “divorce divide” —– the divorcers and the divorcees — where we face each other, take one big step to the right and try again. Only this time with all our newfound emotional baggage in tow.
Ricki, your question has a two-part answer:
Men: Remember that even when you get the girl, don’t check the done box — ever. And know that though she’s testing you, it’s not in hopes that you’ll fail. She really wants you to be the guy or she wouldn’t have picked you in the first place.
Women: Know that if the guy you’re dating is divorced, he’s likely been deeply hurt — and may still be reeling from being dumped for reasons he doesn’t fully understand. That sense of confusion he has, along with the knowledge that the hurt came from a woman, is going to make him proceed very slowly and carefully.
Okay, that issue is complicated, but not insurmountable. If we slow down and understand what each other goes through, things can work out just fine.
Now on to the next order of business: Does anyone want to buy a desk?
John Gavin lives in Benicia and has dabbled with dating sites to varying degrees of success. Email him at DearCoachJohn@gmail.com and follow him on Twitter @OnlineDtngCoach.
richard says
You’re a good story teller John and am enjoying the read..I am wondering if you asked Ricki first if she was honest with her online dating profile. If she wasn’t, or if she lied through omission, or if the men she dates have not been entirely forthcoming in their histories and wants, then nothing in this column will provide help.
In my experience so far I find about half the women are either not honest or have not really read my profile, or choose not to believe the profile. So come on boys and girls- come clean or you are just wasting time.
And guys- the Raleys’ supermarket up near Southampton. Way better than dating sites..