MY MOTHER-IN-LAW SAYS SHE’S A PSYCHIC. But, more than that, she has the power to control the universe to do what she wants.

I know. I didn’t believe her either. But she’s starting to break me.

Nina’s first piece of evidence is that, after she married, she wanted a daughter. To make this happen, she bought a postcard of a little girl, and within a year she had her daughter. Wait — it gets better. That daughter, never having seen the postcard, later bought a small green parrot as a pet. Once, when telling me of her psychic powers, Nina produced the postcard that had called forth her daughter from the universe, and would you believe that, perched on the girl’s shoulder, was a little green parrot? That’s right. Nina didn’t just pull her daughter out of the ether. She pulled her little bird, too.

You don’t believe yet. Neither did I. But there’s more. Later, Nina wanted a son, so she bought another postcard, this time of a boy, and my husband was born.

If you’re not yet convinced, this next story is a doozy. When her son grew up, she wanted him to find a nice wife. Like all mothers, she knew her son couldn’t achieve this without her help. Unbeknownst to Andy, she bought a doll and hid it in his room. And then Andy met me! Better luck has never occurred before or since.

The story gets better. Nina bought the doll when the Spiderman movies were big, so it’s a doll of — get this — Kirsten Dunst. (If you don’t get it, check out my name at the top of this article.) To think that I was propelled by unseen forces toward my husband by the lead actress from the iconic “Bring It On.”

Before her first two grandsons were born, Nina dreamed each would be a boy — and she was right. She then dreamed I would have a boy, and Colin was born. Then, when Colin was only a few months old, Nina dreamed that my second child would be a boy. I had to put an end to her prophesying at that point, obviously. I wasn’t ready for psychic predictions about the second before the first one was even walking, so I voided that dream like a bad check.

I was still cynical of Nina’s powers until I got pregnant for the second time. I already had the perfect son, so I wanted a girl. I remembered that postcard of the girl with the little green parrot, and I thought, why not? It’s worth a shot. I asked Nina to work her wonders to call a daughter forth from the universe, so she bought a doll and stored it in her house.

Since I wanted to attack this from a scientific angle, I also found a Chinese gender prediction test online. I put in all of the information and found out that I was having … a girl! I was skeptical at first, but when I researched it further, I found out this test is totally and completely accurate 50 percent of the time, so that, coupled with Nina’s doll, meant that it had to be in the bag.

And look! Annabelle was born! That means that, excepting the dream (which Nina agreed was a premature prophesy), Nina influenced the genders of three children, predicted the sex of three more, and orchestrated her son’s marriage. Not bad work.

You still don’t believe, do you? That’s OK. I don’t either. But I’ll have her buy you a doll to select your unborn child’s gender, just in case.

Kirstin Odegaard runs the Benicia Tutoring Center. Read and comment on her writings at www.kodegaard.com.

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