By Lois Requist

I’ve always gotten a kick out of Judith Martin, who writes the Miss Manners column in many newspapers. I like her common sense.    Recently, a mother wrote to Miss Manners, saying that her parents had moved across the country to be near their daughter and her family. The mother said she had three children, 9, 11, and 14. Since her parents now live nearby, she’s expected that they will show up to watch all the children’s activities—the soccer game, the dance, music, or theatre recital. The parents aren’t doing as expected. They aren’t showing up for all these activities. What could the matter be?
Miss Manners pointed out that the younger generations weren’t showing up to watch the grandparents at an exercise class or a book club. She then speculated about having activities in which all family members participate instead of a portion of them watching from the sidelines.
It put me to thinking about expectations and about the grandparent-grandchildren relationships I’ve experienced. Only one of my grandparents was alive when I was a child, though there was a step-grandmother. Both my grandfather and step-grandmother were kind to us.    We usually went there for a family dinner after church on Sunday. They were around most of the time when I was growing up, and they didn’t admonish or scold as my parents did. In that regard, I would say they were a beneficent influence in my life.
My sons were raised in California; their three living grandparents were in Idaho. We visited them, and they visited us. I remember a picture of my mother holding their hands at Knott’s Berry Farm. Like the generation before her, Mother was warm and kind. My husband’s parents interacted with their grandkids through fishing and camping trips and through card games. I still remember my son,  Phil, sitting next to his grandmother, pulling a long face when things weren’t going so well, and she may have helped him out a bit. I’m not sure. He knew she was on his side.
My own grandchildren, who had three living grandparents, grew up in Colorado, but like the previous generation, there were many trips between their home and the grandparents in California. I took care of them when their parents went to Italy or on a business trip. I crawled around on the floor with them when they were toddlers, learning to build blocks. They each saw “The Nutcracker” with me in San Francisco, which included lunch at Nieman Marcus.
And, we played games. Card games, board games, all kinds, and we all gained from that. When playing a board game, everyone is equal, everyone has to follow the rules, and winning or losing isn’t the end of the world. Players learn something about competition and cooperation, strategy and the luck of the draw. With age changes, the games changed. I don’t play the ones now that require quick responses, but if it’s a matter of logic and strategy, I hang in there.
For my 70th birthday, we hiked the Grand Canyon together, walking the 14 miles from the North Rim to the bottom, where we stayed two nights at Phantom Ranch and then hiked ten miles up Bright Angel Trail to the South Rim.
For every family, what they do together will be different, but I certainly think joint activities are better than older members’ being just spectators. There’s a place for that as well, of course. I had some apprehension when I watched them ski jump. I smiled with pride as they presented entire portfolios of what they did in middle school, and I love watching them perform musically.
So, there’s many ways grandparenting can be done. What’s your favorite way of being or doing with your grandkids?
Miss Manners did have a point. She always does.
What do you do with your grandchildren? Do you do what is expected or what you want to do? Do you enjoy these relationships or would you like to see them change in some ways? Would a roundtable discussion on the subject be of interest to you? We’re always thinking about subjects that interest older people, so let Carquinez Village know what subject you’d like to know more about. Leave a message at 707-297-2472 or email it to info@carquinezvillage.org.

Sharing is caring!