I DON”T CARE WHAT MORGAN FREEMAN SAYS, I am not 97 percent zombie.

Now of course, Morgan — yes, I’m calling him “Morgan.” When we meet in person, I’ll check on the appropriateness of this familiarity. I’ll say, “Mr. Freeman, may I call you Morgan?” Then we’ll see. In the meantime, while he’s out of earshot, I’ll do as I please.

What’s he going to do? Come down to Small Town America and call me out? He’s the one who puts his mug on TV acting like he’s omniscient or something. “Through the Wormhole” to you too buddy! Right back at ya!

And where does he get off … uh. Oh. OK. I digress.

Where was I? Oh yes … by “zombie” I’m certain Morgan doesn’t mean the traditional, broadly accepted definition of “World War Z” zombie-ism. He doesn’t mean we go around smelling like death baked in the noonday sun, our lips retracted to expose our grotesquely enlarged and sharpened teeth, seeking out the mild-mannered living in order to relieve them of their muscle mass as well as their brains.

Surely not.

No. He makes it clear that what he really means is that we, all of us, the “normal” folks as he calls us, go about our daily business in a less-than-engaged stupor.

We are automatons. We’re dependent on our reflexes and little else. We do what we’ve always done and get what we’ve always got.

According to the lab geeks he’s quoting, we do the same things over and over, by rote, while deluding ourselves that we control our everyday stuff, not to mention our destinies.

The only good news, if you stretch the definition of good, is that, at least we’re not expecting anything different. We are just so, so happy in our little routinized bot lives.

We say right out loud that we hate change. Hate it! If you value your limbs, you’ll step back from my comfort zone, pal.

It’s only in our rare and short-lived expeditions into the 3 percent that we look around, blink at the sun like Elvis emerging from Graceland, and think.

Well I beg to differ.

Not me, buster. Not me.

I reject the notion that I am undead.

On the contrary, I am constantly on the alert. Hyper aware. I never do the same thing twice. Well except for the toothbrushing, bathing and laundry folding sorts of things. Grocery shopping. Dusting. Litter box cleanup.

But those do not make up anywhere near 97 percent of my thinking, Sir Know It All!

To prove my point and relieve me from the responsibility of considering yours, I went out and found my own lab geek to quote. It’s the American way! And guess what? Her opinion is diametrically opposed to yours, Mr. Let’s Explore the Universe.

That’s right, in a totally unrelated context and offering an alternate viewpoint I can twist to my purposes, TED Talk guru Nancy Kanwisher, professor of brain research at MIT, presents what she calls one of the most surprising results from recent neuroscience discoveries: The brain is not a general-purpose processor (or zombie mover), but a collection of specialized components, “collectively building up who we are as human beings and thinkers.”

She likens the human brain to a Swiss Army knife.

Ha! That is exactly how I think of my brain — as the most functional multi-use tool available to the truly engaged, alert, creative, thinking person.

What a perfect analogy! My brain, like the Swiss Army knife, includes 33 tools and is a great addition for your tackle box, glove compartment or backpack. Those 33 tools are engineered with high-quality stainless steel exactly like my steel trap of a mind — perfect for hunting, fishing or just working in the outdoors. That is so me.

When I face a knotty problem, which I frequently do, by the way — I seek out problems to fulfill my mission of making the world a better place — my gray matter is fully engaged.

I consult my Swiss Army knife-like brain, pull the toothpick, tweezers, multipurpose hook, wood saw, fish scaler, reamer (!), or whatever brilliant perfect-for-the-occasion instrument I need, and voila! Problem solved! World improved.

So take that Mr. Three Percenter! Who’s the zombie now?

Carolyn Plath, M.Ed., is a Benicia resident and retired high school principal. Read her blog at thinkdreamplay.blogspot.com.