MY NAME IS CAROLYN AND I AM A SWEAR-AHOLIC.

Hello Carolyn!

I know. You wouldn’t think it to look at me. I project a mild-mannered, circumspect persona. Prim even. Grandmotherly, gosh darn it!

(See?! I can do this!)

I never miss a “bless you” to any sneezer in my vicinity, for example, providing said sneezer employs the Dracula method for prevention of germ spreading — sneezing into the elbow while delivering a sinister stare.

Before my reform, I cursed — in my mind, anyway — at those who recklessly sprayed or covered the spray then placed that damp, contaminated hand on their shopping carts. So inconsiderate! People like that should go straight to … uh uh! Oh no, no, no! I am no longer tripped up by this happenstance!

Folks like that deserve consideration too. They’re just ignernt. (That’s the Oklahoma phonetic spelling for ignorant, FYI.)

It’s a process, giving up the bad words. I tried cold turkey. “Just say no” and all that. I was pious for days — days I tell ya! But wayward words are addictive.

One slip up — I was provoked by some nut on the freeway who insisted on going the speed limit — and I was right back at it.

Currently, I’m working on a step-down regimen. First you identify the situations that bring profanity to mind — slamming one’s little toe into a chair leg, for instance. Expressing disbelief at the length of the checkout line at Safeway, again. Disagreeing with the opinion of some yoyo on TV who doesn’t see the wisdom of my own, superior point of view.

OK. Tally the examples of daily events that could elicit a sacrilege. How many times a day does a sweet old lady say something she can’t include in her column for a family newspaper?

Let’s say that number is 20. Conservatively. Hey! I live passionately, OK?

The idea with the step-down method is first to cut that number in half. That’s too many fl*pping violations per diem, after all. Then it goes from 10 to five. Then from five to two-and-a-half, which is fl*pping ridiculous. How can anybody swear two and a half times?

Ahem. Where was I? Oh yes, Step B.

Because keeping silent isn’t realistic, I’m going to need something else to say.

Therefore, I’m compiling a list of substitutions. Unfortunately, because you’re reading this in the aforementioned G-rated periodical, I cannot tell you what these words are substitutes for … you’ll have to use your cockadoody imagination!

Here’s the list so far — instead of my ingrained habit of letting loose a cussword when I singe what little hair I have left on my head with the fr*gging flatiron — on at least half of such occasions each day I’ll say:

Oh my goodness!

Saccharin!

Shut the side door! (“Front door” was already taken.)

Boogers!

Deary me!

Lawsy!

Flopsy, Mopsey and Peter!

Or Holey Moley!

What worries me is that these surrogates lack the personality of the original salty expressions. Not sure they can deliver the satisfaction of the truly blue.

Like a firecracker without a fuse … like a soda without the fizz. That’s where this nonsensical step-down piece of cr*d flops.

But, I’m keeping classier company now than I did in my formative youth. Back in the day, well, I could say just about any bl**ping thing I wanted to say.

In fact, a person sort of had to develop a flow with that st*ff to maintain any credibility with the in crowd.

I did so want to be in. And I was in, too, Miss Molly! Don’t you doubt it for a fr**king minute.

And tooty fruity if I can’t be in now, too!

Therefore, I’ve developed my own system for managing the smack talk. It’s beautiful in its simplicity: Before I leave the house to participate in the hooty-patooty world, I just stand behind the front door, car keys in hand and let ’er rip!

I tried it for the first time this morning. It’s positively thrilling! The release! The rush! I said all the things I wanted to say just as loud as I wanted to say them. Then I flung the door open, ready to mix with polite society.

But the FedEx guy looked a little startled.

Carolyn Plath, M.Ed., is a Benicia resident and retired high school principal. Read her blog at thinkdreamplay.blogspot.com.