Handyman Lore

Everything man-made
has a shelf life to it,
concrete or steel or maybe
you can see through it.
Add the vagaries
of time and weather,
and an animal skin tanned
becomes a coat of leather.
Add zippers and buttons
and you’re looking pretty cool,
’til age sets in and you’re
dulling your tools.
Things around the house
are no different, you see,
sooner or later somebody
makes a chore list and
they might call me:
__ Front door needs a deadbolt,
__ and the weatherstripping’s shot,
__ summers are OK
__ but the winter winds are not!
__ Closet rod broke and
__ the clothes are on the floor,
while the Handyman’s at it,
we could use some more:
shelves in the closet, adjustable too,
those in the garage should be
Heavy Duty, white, not blue –
Downstairs toilet keeps on running
like there’s a ghost in the house,
yesterday our cat refused
to catch that mouse.
I think they get in from
the sheetrock holes in the shed,
I think Junior broke
another slat in his bed.
That’s enough for starters.
Check out Pedro at
www.Handymanservicespeterbray.com
Or if you’re a word person:
www.peterbray.org/pedro
for fun stuff!

Handyman Song #12

When all the corporations
I knew went south,
I had to retrain my brain
and my mouth.
I learned to speak fluent
Handymanese,
and bought cushioned
knee protectors
for both of my knees.
I can fix your toilets,
I can fix your sinks,
I can fix the world
when the world just stinks.
If you put on your lipstick,
but miss your lips,
if your parakeet’s too wide
at the base of his hips,
call me I can be your Handyman.
Call me I can be your Handyman:
246-8082.

Tinker’s World Tour

Some like to travel, me not much. When we were kids, Mom had an Early American hutch. Kept linens in it and Dining Room stuff. I was Dad’s early helper in the garage those days, we learned about Crescent wrenches, screwdrivers, and “right to tight, and left to loosen” –Before I went to college, Grad school, 36 years of Corporateville, then cleaned weeds from sewer lines for 3 years in 3 counties (when the Economy went to hell) before becoming a Handyman in 2002 for the past 15 years. I still work in three counties, so I guess you could say when the “Tinker goes on World Tour” he says in three counties: Solano, Contra Costa, and selected parts of Alameda.

South of France/Menadue

While basking in the South of France,
I met a man with a hole in his pants.
“Sir,” I said, “I can fix your drawers.”
To which he said, “Doors?”
I said, “Yes, on occasion
I’ve fixed them too, deadbolts, hinges,
locks, I’ve done quite a few.”
“View,” he said, “I don’t mind the view,
but the neighbors, they’re distressed too.
The fresh air there, keeps me nimble,
but it’s larger than a thimble,
my fanny’s in the winter’s cold,
colder than a witch’s barn.”
To which I said, “Yarn,
No, I don’t knit much anymore,
my mother and brother do,
but you have a nice day,”
And we both went our way,
South of France.
“Menadue,” is that French?
Grandfather George Bray’s
mother’s maiden name
was Jenny Menadue but she
was from Cornwall, England
according to the genealogy sister-in-law
Jan Bray has done through Ancestry.com.
But Jenny’s Dad we think was a mercenary
from Canada who wrote war scene descriptions and sent them to
the local papers while fighting on
the Union side in the Civil War.
Many things appear related
once your Dad tells you
years ago that you’re,
“1/8th French, Kiddo.”

Morning Shift

Computer on his knee
leg over his other knee,
reclined in his recliner,
doughnuts on the floor on a paper plate,
coffee on the sidetable getting cold,
this is how I spend my morning shift
at 3 am.
If I can get enough done,
close down for the morning,
wrap myself up in two blankets
in my chair, computer on the floor,
nap for a few hours more,
then start my regular work day
Full of geometry, handtools,
upside down maybe or kneeling/standing,
making something work that didn’t,
make life easier or more efficient
for somebody else –
More functional, more esthetic –
Form following function,
it’s not a bad plan, not a bad aspiration
and it pays the bills.
Sometimes more or
not quite enough in the rainy season
and then we have to stretch.
Like in exercise.

74 LUCCA CA

Download the photos
from the night before,
the birthday dinner,
the gorgeous brick wall,
semi-gloss orange in color,
the typography, sans-serif type,
the restaurant name, bold, pointed,
crisp letters on the wall in white.
Yummy, grilled-just-right
double pork chop, stand beside
the wall, au gratin potatoes,
green salad, Vodka tonic.
Work enough and you can
play hard too.
Even at 74.

Peter Bray lives works, and writes in Benicia, CA –
Has written this column since 2008.

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