“You will never understand bureaucracies until you understand that for bureaucrats procedure is everything and outcomes are nothing.” — Thomas Sowell

IN HIS 1996 STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS, Bill Clinton declared that the “era of Big Government is over.” First let’s recognize that ’96 was an election year, and with his base secure Clinton was playing to the middle. Of course the era in question never ended and has, in fact, grown at an alarming rate over the last five years.

When you have legions of bureaucrats on the government dole, some of them actually feel they need to justify their paychecks, even while the rest just do Sudoku puzzles. But as the brilliant Thomas Sowell explained, even for those would-be industrious few, “outcomes are nothing.”

Their latest target: Parmesan cheese.

No, not the stuff in the emerald green can from Kraft; I refer to real Parmesan. Well, not real Parmesan from Parma, Italy, but the artisanal Parmesan that sits for weeks or months on wooden shelves in dank caves or storage sheds in states like Wisconsin and New York.

Recently the FDA announced that those wooden boards were bad and could cause problems, and only stainless steel or other suitable materials could be used in the storage of Parmesan cheese.

“Reports showed that the porous structure of wood made it susceptible to the colonization of bacteria on the surface and inside the wood,” wrote Monica Metz, of the agency’s Center for Food Safety and Applied Nutrition, to the New York Department of Agriculture & Markets Division of Milk Control and Dairy Services.

Surely Metz has evidence that this bacteria has been proven to create a harmful mold in the cheeses, which has caused an increase in problems as a result of consumption of artisanal Parmesan?

Well, that turns out not to be the case.

You see, Metz left out a few important details, such as contradictory reports from the University of Wisconsin, the Wisconsin Center for Dairy Research, the American Cheese Society — oh, and about 800 years of history indicating bacterial issues resulting from keeping the cheese on wood for a period of time are extraordinarily rare.

The enforcement of this new rule has the potential to devastate the artisanal cheese industry and would force innocent people to actually put Kraft-in-a-can on their spaghetti. The horror!

Seriously, if the FDA is going to look at moldy cheese, shouldn’t they have started with Roquefort?

Here’s hoping they all go back to their Sudoku puzzles.

Update on the Parmesan cheese crisis: As reported by CNSNews.com, one New York cheese maker has already closed its doors over the enforcement of new “regulations” as outlined by Monica Metz. However, it seems there is more to this story than meets the eye.

As confident as I was that Ms. Metz was nothing more than an honest, hard-working government employee who would never do anything broaching upon impropriety, it turns out her previous employer was Leprino Foods, the largest mozzarella cheese maker in the world. It is noteworthy that Leprino foods makes a wide variety of cheeses, none of which is aged on wooden shelves. Thus it might stand to gain if the rules on shelving are enforced and more cheese companies are forced to close their doors.

The sound you just heard was that of my confidence in Ms. Metz, as well as Big Government, hitting the floor.

The political left has long prided itself on being open-minded friends to the African-American community. The left’s support for a wide range of black causes is without question, even when those causes themselves may be questionable.

One area of importance to all is to raise the quality of education for, not just blacks, but all students. For the moment, though, let’s focus on the United Negro College Fund (UNCF), which recently received a very generous donation of $25 million, fifth largest in its history.

The Daily Caller reports that the donation “is to provide tuition assistance to “exemplary students with demonstrated financial need and an interest in the study of how entrepreneurship, economics and innovation contribute to well-being for individuals, communities and society.”

To quote Olsen Johnson in “Blazing Saddles”: “Now who can argue with that?”

Well, it seems someone can — the donation has sparked outrage among leftists. Continuing from the Daily Caller, we hear from Marybeth Gasman, a higher education professor at the University of Pennsylvania, who said she feels “like the UNCF is getting into the position of being a puppet.”

Why the concern, which sparked a bevy of supporting outrage from other leftists?

Simple: The money comes from a wholly unacceptable source (drum roll, please): THE KOCH BROTHERS!

Marybeth scorned that the Koches are “deeply affiliated with the Tea Party.” She alleged that Tea Party leaders “want to weaken the political interests of black Americans.” And on cue, the left’s outrage caucus swung into action.

What no one has explained is how the Master Plan to Keep the Black Man Down is achieved by providing financial support for colleges selected by the United Negro College Fund.

Somehow, those Koch Brothers are evil geniuses.

Getting back to Big Brother: Government agents in Virginia have stepped up enforcement of major sources of pollution in Chesapeake Bay — by going after the Boy Scouts and their charity car washes.

The Washington Post reports that “under new state storm water permits that could also affect activity elsewhere. Boy Scouts from Troop 162 in Arlington were planning a carwash fundraiser for a weeklong canoe trip this summer. But their scoutmaster heard about new regulations, and their plans changed.

Virginia and other states use permit programs to limit pollution flowing into storm water systems. Those permits have recently become more stringent due to Chesapeake Bay cleanup requirements.”

A local “do-gooder,” Kim Coble of the Chesapeake Bay Foundation, said “the impact of every school group and Scout troop that holds a car wash adds up.”

I suppose finding an acceptable biodegradable soap was too much to ask?

Dennis Lund is a mechanical engineer who lived in Benicia for more than 20 years.