Recently I was having brunch with my friend, June Gifford.  Although we live some distance from each other, she in Lodi and me in Benicia, we have managed to keep our 50-year relationship alive and intact.  On this recent occasion I presented her with one of my watercolor montages, that was an overview of our time together  It was then that I realized though we had had many wonderful experiences-shared- that the best times for me were in conversations over brunch.
In retirement, I find that I spend enjoyable time participating in diversions- my book club, Bocce game, poker, Mah Jongg, lectures, plays, movies and swimming, group meals, and knitting .  During many of these activities there is some conversation, teasing, catching up and discussion of the activity in which we are involved.
However, it is in the one-on-one conversations in which we talk about our personal lives that I find the juice.  Being a therapist has been particularly satisfying as one goes deep into the patterns of a persons life.  Together we untangle the threads and knit a varied tapestry that leads to a more satisfying life for that person.  It is that same practice that I especially love  with my nearest and dearest.
I will confess now that in my inner circle I have been blessed with friends that are willing to go deep.  It is in that knowing someone that love deepens.  I often state  that once I know someones story: how they grew up, their life experiences, their hurts and joys , that my compassion grows.  Even when a person does terribly hurtful things my understanding of their path helps me appreciate, forgive and especially love them.
So I ask you, what your favorite interaction might be?  I think this will give you some  insight into your person. if you prefer talking about experiences, politics, and the weather, perhaps you like to have acquaintances and like sharing without exposure.  Not everyone wants to philosophize, or delve into their past life to develop new insights.
In fact, current research into beneficial interactions does not indicate that delving is most important in health among the aging. Number one in healthy interaction has been those connections one makes with a variety of people during each day.  Talking to the shop keeper, mailman, and person sitting next to you on a bus lead to satisfying intercourse.
I have taken note of several friends that have this “chat up” as part of their lives.  They will speak to people, saying hello, and inviting conversation, on elevators, while waiting on line, and to servers in restaurants.  My friend, Christina, always asks our server, her name and continues some interchange during our meal.  The person who performs services is never invisible and it makes for a pleasant addition to any experience.  I was raised in New York and we never talked to strangers, so this practice is alien to my training.  I love those impromptu exchanges and try to break out of my hesitancy.
Whatever your preference, it is, I believe, most important to be true to yourself.  However, it doesn’t hurt to try new challenges as they keep us fresh.  It can never be a mistake to try to make the world around us a friendlier place.

Ellen Blaufarb is a marriage family therapist.

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