In The Marriage Crunch published in the US magazine Newsweek in 1986, it was reported that a single 40 year old woman was more likely to be killed by a terrorist than to get married. This pronouncement didn’t sound hopeful then and it was inaccurate because the US census in 1996 showed 40.8 percent of women at 40 and older got married. To attach this threat of spinsterhood to terrorism is no joke for any of us at any age. But I digress, as I am writing today about the chances of finding your significant other even after the age of 70.
You may recall several articles I wrote years ago on the topic of dispriorgenesis, DPG, a word I made up to denote the state of mind that causes great discomfort as a result of not being anyone’s number one priority and not having anyone as your number one priority as in a marriage. In a subsequent article I wrote of the pitfalls for the desperation that sometimes accompanies DPG.
And then as is the case in our lives when you have given up on ever being anyone’s soulmate, there he or she appears. So now you are once again someone’s life partner, and the feeling of that kind of closeness is a beautiful thing. How one works out the details is as individual as the couple involved. For me the ideal at this age is to maintain separate households, hold onto your fulfilling life and enjoy the wonderful companionship that this committed relationship provides.
So all that said, what is the problem? The problem is how to introduce your new fellow or girl to friends and family. I have been gathering words from my circle and here is what we came up with: significant other, life partner, playmate, paramour. I checked out the Thesaurus and came up with companion, inamorata, lady, mistress, best girl, lass, lassie and lady love for girlfriend and beau, swain, gallant, cavalier, squire, love-maker, necker, sheif, philanderer, cavalier, sugar daddy, gigolo and lady killer for boy friend.
At lunch with my philosopher friend, June, she came up with senior mate, soulmate, love of my life, and chosen. Can you imagine anyone saying, “This is my chosen one, Bob?”
I am at a loss. Boyfriend or girlfriend seem childish. I am looking for a word or phrase that speaks to the dignity and specialness of two oldsters, or senagers, finding love at the improbable third stage of life. They are a couple that will never marry, for obvious legal reasons, but want to shout their new found joy from the housetops, hence:
“I’d like to introduce you to my __________, Bob.”
The word or phrase needs to speak to a committed relationship that developed late in life, that will not be a marriage where you are more than companions. Girlfriend and boyfriend does not do it at all, as it is rather disrespectful of the depth of the new relationship. Significant other comes the closest, but it seems without humor. I made up a new word: “Siglomate” or “Significant Old Mate.”Bob said he would have to memorize it. I don’t think he liked it. I doubt it will catch on.
When I introduce you, don’t be surprised when I say the following:
“I’d like to introduce you to Bob.”
You’ll have to connect the dots that say, how lucky I am.

Ellen Blaufarb is a Marriage Family Therapist

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