MY CONVERSATION WITH JUNE GIFFORD about “dispriorgenesis,” our invention for the uncomfortable feeling, especially among widows, originating in the fact that you are no longer anyone’s number-one priority, continued at her home in Markleville, a great place for having a meaningful conversation. With a fire in the potbelly stove, drifting clouds and 20-degree temperatures, the brain cells tend to awaken.

First we decided to shift from “dispriorgenesis” to DPG, since six-syllable words are hard to remember. Then again many things are hard to remember. For example, I thought Eric Erickson’s last stage of adult development, from age 40 to 65, was a continuum between stagnation and generativity. There is another stage that he speaks to that is a continuum between despair and ego integration, which goes from 65 to the end of life.

This discovery led June and me to the following discussion:

June: What is this DPG but energy in our body. It is a feeling. If we can agree that it is a feeling, a tension, a mood, then it can be transformed, or it can be strengthened.

Me: Let’s go with that supposition by looking at some of what we have experienced with people who have DPG, mostly widows. I would say the populations I know best are divorced and/or widowed women.

June: What have you observed? Most of the people in my life are coupled and still have their mates.

Ellen: I have noted that some women remain in DPG and it becomes a state that is intensified. Some women seem to notice they have DPG but they don’t get into a state of despair.

June: How does that work?

Ellen: The women that fall into despair talk endlessly about the person lost. They do everything as they did when their mate was alive. Some keep the man’s clothing in the closet even after several years. They reminisce frequently and cry often.

June: If we are talking about DPG being an energy that is felt, I can see that staying with the loss too long can keep a person sad and maybe even lead to despair. I believe energy can be transformed. I believe that we all have a choice to stay in the unpleasant, uncomfortable state of DPG or to move out of it.

Ellen: As always it is easier to talk about change than to do it. But I do think, from my observations, the women who still listen to the same music, watch the same TV programs, eat the same foods in the same restaurants that they shared with their significant other, stay with sadness a long time.

June: Now that we have defined the feeling and agree that the energy can be shifted, let’s talk about how one might go about doing that. It seems likely that doing the same things that support the sadness doesn’t break the cycle of grief.

Ellen: My guess is that to transform the energy one needs to bring in new energy, new experiences — be it new people, music or learning new ideas. In the exploration, one has the opportunity for self-discovery. You can experience yourself as a woman separate from the union you had for many years. This self-discovery I am finding for myself has made all the difference in dealing with DPG. It may sound boastful or rude or odd, but June, I finally have come to feel that I am enough for me. I don’t know that I could ever feel that way if I were in a relationship. But that is just me.

June: I am really happy for you. I have watched you over this five years and I don’t see you as frantically trying to find your way anymore.

Ellen: I guess what I am most afraid of for me and my dear friends is that we could get caught up in the energy of DPG and end up grumpy, dissatisfied, regretful, angry and generally deeply unhappy.

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I’m opening the conversation that I encourage you to have with your nearest and dearest to help you become objective about this stage of life, from 65 to the end of life, so that you can make your own choice.

June and I agree DPG is real, and that we all have a choice as to whether it gets us or we get it.

Ellen Blaufarb is a marriage family therapist and mentor at Liberty High School. She can be reached at meblau@sbcglobal.net. June Gifford has a master’s degree in psychology and is an amazing, wonderful friend.