“WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW HOW TO BE TRULY HAPPY?” my mother once asked me, as she dangled a long stalk of celery in one hand and a silver-plated spoon in the other.

I climbed up onto her nest of a lap with the warmest of centers and answered, “No Mama, but does it have something to do with playing?”

“In a way,”she said in her winsome way. “Life is like playing happy, and about playing all of your cards in an elegant fashion.”

A very long time ago, when “time” neither seemed to start nor stop, and when I was a dimpled imp of a girl, my only job in the world was to follow elegant women around houses of wood and tiled and carpeted floors, my Mary Jane patent-leather shoes tip-tap-tapping as I tried to copy their every graceful footstep.

My first black-and-white memory is of my mother’s glowing face as she talked endlessly in the kitchen about why being “elegant and kind,” no matter what, was what being a beautiful woman really was all about.

“Never mind all that talk about wearing expensive shiny lipstick, having a fancy bedazzled purse, or carrying on about that box seat at the opera you didn’t get,” she said, as she swayed from side to side.

“It is really about how you carry yourself, and how you just know you are always important.”

What did she mean, I wondered as I stared up at her billowing skirts flowered with colors of lavender and red, layered with soft, fitted sweaters that captured her long white neck, stranded by a single string of pearls.

Only about 3, I said, “Yes, Mama,” and tried my best to copy her walk and her manner of talk. I even fastened bobby pins to my thick, curly hair that would never grow as long and sleek as hers.

She often hummed in a singsong voice about having a gentle presence, and how I should always hold my head up high, no matter what criticisms I received.

“Elegant ladies pay no mind to ignorant or ugly talk,” she said, as she languished between one room and another, her feet gliding like a dancer’s.

I first fell in love with this notion of supreme elegance during those young summers spent at our worn, seaside Southern California home. In the coldest and foggiest of mornings, as well as in the passing of sunsets that crisped burning and golden into my eyes, through my mother I understood the beauty of an elegant soul.

On some Sundays, my siblings and I would lilt amongst the never-wilted gardens while we read German and English fairy tales by the Brothers Grimm, poetry by Yeats, and stories by Rudyard Kipling. We snacked on homemade sandwiches that seemed to magically grow right out of the small refrigerator near the garden door.

But “what we did” was never nearly important or as meaningful as “how we did it.”

And that was with a sense of grace mixed with class, confidence and a humble manner.

My mother and grandmothers were my greatest sources of inspiration when it came to possessing these qualities, and especially the quality of “elegance.” They were my female heroes, my woman warriors of faith who never failed me, and who I looked up to endlessly for every measure of self confidence and degree of style and class — even when I had not a penny to my name, or when I felt entirely vulnerable and defeated.

This is why “real-life”role models are so invaluable for us all, woman, man or child.

I have grown to admire my own daughters’ youthful poses and adventurous spirits. But I also cameo the elegant women of my life so as to give them the gifts of a time that has all but vanished from their real — and perhaps even imagined — world. At the end of the day, I do not want their role models to be the YouTube star of the moment, makeup tutorial tips by made-over robots, members of Kardashian clan or the most popular girls at school with the most expensive clothes and fastest cars.

I have assumed the responsibility to show them through real action just how happy and glorious a truly elegant woman can be. Here are 10 ways to be truly elegant, with advice from my mentors, dearly loved ones, and maybe even one or two from yours truly.

1. Always Walk Like You Know Exactly Where You Are Going

Once a week, my mother could be seen leaving the house with a hat and billowing coat as she walked into the sun. It turns out that she often had no specific plans, but intended to always have a fabulous time on her personal outings — and she says she did.

2. If Someone Throws an Insult Your Way, Reply with Wit

Recently, a so-called friend asked me if I wasn’t too old to worry any more about so-called vain pursuits like daily yoga and moisturizers. I answered that while she may be right, I would continue to make an old fool out of myself anyway. And then I swished away with a smile.

3. Dress in a Style That Says Who You Are

I have often followed trends, only to find myself feeling “not myself.” But today I dress for myself and always feel confident when wearing a skirt and heels, even when just going to the market. This is “just my style” and I have learned to wear it with a “no-apologies” attitude, knowing that I have given myself the gift of being me.

4. Never Allow Anyone to Make You Feel Small

Whenever someone puts you down, they are really just projecting the feelings they feel about themselves. Just look kindly into their eyes with your bright ones and reply, “Thank you, I will take your opinion under advisement. Have a fabulous day!”

5. If Someone Compliments You, Kindly Say ‘Thank You’

I cannot remember how many hundreds of times I have witnessed women and young hopefuls wince and make ugly faces when complimented in even the nicest and most respectful of ways, as if they are somehow being attacked. Simply saying “thank you” and continuing your day is an elegant gift to yourself, as well as the lovely complimenter.

6. Always Take Time For Yourself

There is no excuse for not taking care of yourself. If you get enough sleep, personal time (even 15 minutes extra a day) and individual space to take care of your needs, you’ll have no choice but to feel more confident and elegant. You are also more likely to treat others with more kindness. And practicing care is the most unselfish thing you can do.

7. Stay Away from Gossip

Nothing is less attractive than an attractive woman who habitually gossips about other women. It is far more appealing to go out of your way to compliment other women, even behind their backs. This is the test of a beautiful and elegant woman, inside and out.

8. Treat Everyone with Respect and Admiration

When no one is looking, it is how you treat others that truly says who are are. For example, I tell my daughters this often and attempt to teach by example. Whether you are saying “Hello” to a homeless woman or a seasoned policeman, a window washer or a window company CEO, treat them with civility and compassion. This is elegance at its most apparent.

9. Only Apologize if You Are Sincere

Not too long ago, I continually apologized automatically when something went wrong or when anyone felt bad. Before they could get any words out, I would say, “I am sorry” — even before I even heard their story. Not only was this not helpful to others, it was demeaning to myself. Today, I only apologize when I truly have something to apologize for. In this way I can respect myself more, and gain the respect of others.

10. Speak with More Clarity

I have been guilty of talking nervously with barely a clue sometimes of exactly what I have said — and with regrets soon after. But after studying elegant women in history, real-life women and even those on the silver screen, I have noticed that the most elegant women speak much more carefully than I do, with a certain thoughtful pronunciation, and even with long pauses between sentences.

This list is surely not in order of importance, but all points have been personally tested through my experience and that of my family through the generations, and now they are being passed on to my two lovely and highly impressionable daughters.

Among the greatest gifts I can give them are the teachings I have gathered from years of being human and from making both small and large mistakes. And admitting so is a further gift.

Much more than what we say, our daughters watch what we do in order to become ladies. Test this and see.

Francesca Biller is an award-winning investigative journalist, author and Edward R. Murrow award recipient. Her novel and a collection of short stories and poetry will be published this year. She happily resides in Benicia with her two daughters, Rose and Jade.