The following “letter” is part of the continuing series from the unpublished novel by James Garrett, “Benicia Letters Once More”. He does not plan to publish the book but instead is choosing to share the letters with the readers of the Benicia Herald. The letters continue the storyline of Garrett’s first novel “Benicia and Letters of Love”. Each “letter” tells of love in one of its many forms from a separate point of view. Benicia is represented prominently in the letters because of Garrett’s deep fondness for the city of Benicia. He hopes readers see themselves or others they know in the letters because the concept of “Love” is universal.
Dear Mr. Garrett,
Paula seemed so happy when attending Benicia High School. Five years later she graduated from college and committed suicide.
I’ll never understand why she took her life, but I accept it.
She loved attending Benicia High School. She was a good student, played a sport, and took part in a number of activities.
There were two young men whom she liked during that time. Paula dated them and some others, but there was nothing which could be called serious. She laughed the time in her senior year when I asked if she was serious about any one guy.
Paula attended college out of state and came home when she could. She knew that if she ever needed to come home we would cover any cost to get her home as soon as she wanted to get back to Benicia. One time part way through her senior year she made a call late at night for us that she needed to come home.
When she arrived none of us asked what was wrong or if there was a problem. Maybe we should have. Paula seemed just the same to each of us as she always had. It seemed she put more emphasis into the hug she gave me than she ever had before. I thought she was just extra happy to be home. She took a strenuous course of study and did well, but maybe the stress was getting to her and she needed some “home cooking” to face her final hurdles at the university.
We used to talk about everything before she went off to college. There were times when Paula and I were alone when we sat on the couch and talked, and talked. I thought I knew her.
She is, was, and will always be our daughter. Paula is the only daughter Martin and I had. She was the youngest of our little tribe which included her two brothers.
As with our boys, we loved her with all we had to give. If she needed something, she always had it. If she only wanted something, she often received it.
Along the way she grew to be such a lovely, responsible, and caring young lady.
Martin and I could trust her with anything at any time. She was our youngest, but our most mature child as she grew. It seemed she in some way saw into the future and understood what would happen in many aspects of the lives of those around her.
Maybe Martin and I were blind all along or ignorant, or simply stupid in the ways of raising children. I know we did the best we could.
After Paula passed, Martin and I talked for hours to try to understand what happened and why. We went to grief counseling and talked with friends. Finally we accepted that she was gone from us and that it was simply meant to be.
I look at photos of Paula every night before I go to bed. I often wonder if I did anything wrong, or if I could have done more, could have seen more deeply into my daughter. I’ve asked God’s forgiveness for anything I may have unknowingly or inadvertently done wrong concerning my daughter, my Paula. I feel lost in that area, but I accept.
Paula was so nice. Martin and I will love her forever. She was our little girl.
Jennifer

James Garrett is a lifelong resident of Benicia and a former teacher at Benicia High School. He is the author of the following novels: “Benicia and Letters of Love”, “The Mansion Stories”, “Chief Salt”, and “One Great Season, 9-0!” He also compiled a three-volume work titled “The Golden Era: Benicia High School Football, The 1948 through 1960 Seasons, “A” History with Comments.”
He can be contacted at jgstoriesnpoetry@aol.com.

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