The Benicia Fullosopher

MEMORABLE PEOPLE
As either dance instructors or speakers, our contracts required extensive socializing with the guests. One luxury line said that fifty percent of our rating was based on how much and how well we socialized. It was our job to make guests feel comfortable at all times; thus, we were forbidden to ever discuss politics, religion, sex, or our compensation, and we had to never argue or even disagree with a guest. For our first contract we had to sign a notarized statement that we were not to swear or use racial slurs. We wondered: what kind of bad-mannered behavior had caused this requirement to come into being? At first, we were assigned a table for dinner and required to sit with the same people every night. We were told we could not make any table changes. Fellow guests at fixed seating were mostly pleasant company, but we had several who were not. We were constantly amazed at the very personal things people would reveal, while dining, about their dysfunctional families, their bowel habits, surgeries and other organ recitals. We certainly heard plenty of racist and homophobic comments. One couple fought at the table, another yelled at their children, and some complained constantly. We would sit quietly or change the subject. In the past, guests were allowed to smoke at the table. We are grateful that now smoking is only allowed in one or two places on a ship. The worst dining experience was when a man coughed and sneezed constantly. One time he sneezed, leaned over the table, and blew liquid out of his nose into the soup that he then began to eat. If a table experience became too obnoxious to tolerate, I would either say I was not feeling well or that I had an appointment and must leave. We had the most fun at a table for two months with all guests from Australia. During the last few years of cruising, we were allowed to choose tablemates which made for a much more pleasant dining experience.

A Few Memorable Guests

Man and Dog—About 75 years old, he boarded with a toy dog on the end of a stiff rod disguised to look like a leash. We first spotted him on the dance floor, “dancing” by moving the dog around on the floor—still on the leash. Every night the well-dressed dog had a seat at the table in the dining room and was served a glass of wine. On formal nights the dog wore a tuxedo. For the evening shows, the dog had a front-row seat. Everyone thought the man was completely bonkers, so other guests avoided talking to him. After a few days I introduced myself and asked about his dog. He said, “My wife died six months ago. I am so lonely, and being with my dog helps me feel better.” As our conversation continued, it was clear that he was not at all bonkers, just a lovely, lonely man.

The overdressed woman—About 60 years old and well-padded, with 50 dresses and matching hats all self-made, for a three-week cruise. In addition to bringing an excessive amount of clothes, she was on the hunt for male company. Any man, including my husband, standing or sitting alone was a target. One of the guest speakers, Joe, said she knocked on his cabin door at 1 a.m. wanting to come in for . . . you can guess what. Joe was constantly on the alert to avoid her.

The bling-bling man—Several rings covering the entire length of all fingers, eight or ten bracelets on each arm, six or more necklaces all worn together. We found out that he had a safe in his cabin for the jewelry that was all genuine—precious gems, inherited from his mother. He had brought only part of his collection, accompanied by a bodyguard. Of course, I had to meet him. I introduced myself and asked to see the gems he was wearing. He lit up and happily displayed them all.

The woman with footlong earrings—I asked how many she brought on board. “Only fifty pair,” she replied, “I have about three hundred at home.”

The dessert destroyer—As part of a chocolate “extravaganza,” one long table held a huge pot of chocolate fondue and large platters piled high with strawberries, sliced bananas and marshmallows. I saw a woman, licking her chops, put her electric wheelchair in full-speed-ahead gear and crash into the table, knocking it over and creating a river of chocolate as fruit rolled in all directions. She immediately turned her chair around and headed for the cake table, which survived her approach. Meanwhile, the crew did an amazing job cleaning up the mess and replacing everything within about 20 minutes.

Memorable People Around the World
Some of our best experiences on both land and sea trips have occurred when walking on back streets or riding on public transportation in a port. Not surprising, people around the world enjoy talking about their families and their country. Many were interested in U.S. politics.

** Caribbean Island: We had a delightful conversation with a group of four local women who had just finished cleaning the church.

** Casablanca: We talked with five young students waiting for a bus.

** Tiny Village in Mexico: We got a lesson on making tortillas in a mud-floored hut.

** Punta Arenas, Chile: I cooked dinner for the owner of a local hotel.

** Guatemala: Husband Sam enjoyed a long conversation with a friendly tour guide.

** Greece: A visit with a grandmother sweeping the sidewalk. Some experiences were heartbreaking.

** In Myanmar: Teenage girls offering to sell us their babies for $25.

** Cambodia: Malnourished, barefoot children begging for money.

** Mumbai, India: With 60 percent homeless sleeping on the streets at night.

** Onboard the ship: Guests verbally abusing the crew. Not only are these guests who do this out of line, they truly are cowards because the crewmembers are not allowed to defend themselves. Once on a luxury ship, we witnessed a guest verbally abusing and then reporting a waiter who was immediately suspended. Had we not stepped in to explain what really happened, the waiter would have been put off the ship the next day.

Next: Ship employees, ship codes, and guest loyalty.

The Benicia Fullosopher is retired as a guest speaker and dance teacher on cruise ships.