The Benicia Fullosopher

Many who have never cruised tell me they are afraid they’d be bored with not enough to do when at sea, imagining long days of gazing at an empty horizon.    Gone are the days when Grandma and Grandpa took their once-in-a-lifetime cruise to Hawaii and spent the time onboard reading, playing shuffleboard, cards, and chess, or sunning on the deck.    Of course, you still may participate in these gentle activities, but today’s cruises offer a great deal more. The TV series “The Love Boat,” which aired from 1976 to 1986, changed cruising forever. Google the name of any ship or go to Cruisecritic.com to see a wide variety of activities, such as ice skating, rock climbing, surfing, and bumper cars.   There are only a few mega-ships with such amusement-park offerings, and many more smaller ships that provide a plethora of options for spending your time.
Here is just a sample of additional activities that I have often enjoyed watching adults play like children.

* Contests/games: Karaoke and dance where usually the biggest ham, not the best performer, wins. Ping pong, miniature golf, trivia, scavenger hunt, flying a paper airplane toward a target, ship building (followed by floating it in the pool), bean bag toss, golf putting, belly flop, best legs on men, Sudoku, Wii, drop an egg 20 feet without breaking it, poker, the Marriage Game, etc.

* Classes: Ballroom and line dancing, Zumba, arts and crafts, sewing, bridge, lei making, hula and ukulele lessons, mask making, cooking (with samples and recipes provided), knitting, computer, circus skills, languages, creative writing.

* Demonstrations: Ice carving, creating fruit bouquets, making towel animals, martini making, cooking.

* Special events: Tours of the galley and laundry—these are both fascinating. Before 911, most ships allowed tours of the bridge, but now those tours are rarely offered. Crossing the equator ceremony—a mock trial, sometimes corny, sometimes clever where “the victim” gets buckets of food dumped upon him or her and often is thrown into the swimming pool. I always feel sorry for the crew who has to clean up after the mess. The towering champagne fountain, holiday décor—including staff and crew in costumes. Lobster scramble: Only once I witnessed a unique event: about two hundred live lobsters were thrown in the swimming pool. Guests had to get in the pool and retrieve a lobster to have it cooked and served for dinner. Meet-ups: for single guests, first time cruisers, Cruise Critic members, Alcoholics Anonymous, listed as “Friends of Bill W,” for gay guests listed as “Friends of Dorothy” or “LGBT.”

* Evening entertainment: Most ships offer dancing with most dance floors only big enough for 20 people. Many ships feature lavish musical productions in a variety of themes with singing, dancing, many set and costume changes. Sometimes it is a complete Broadway show. Entertainers you may or may not have heard of from Broadway, London, Vegas, TV make appearances, some fabulous and some definitely “over the hill.” I’ve been entertained by singers from opera to pop, magicians, comedians, ventriloquists, instrumentalists, dancers, jugglers, trapeze artists, and an adept pickpocket who surreptitiously strolled around the audience before the show, lifting watches and wallets from unsuspecting guests. A former real criminal, he now works for police departments to demonstrate how to recognize the sneaky ways pickpockets work. He then showed us several of these techniques during which he exhibited the items previously stolen from the guests. While this entertainer was captivating, on another ship a woman singer was so bad, at least three quarters of the audience left before her performance was half over. I desperately wanted to leave, but as a staff member I knew walking out during a show would get me in trouble.
Frequently when a ship stays late into the evening or overnight, a local folkloric group will come aboard to showcase singing, dancing, and costumes from their country. These performances are usually quite popular, often every seat is filled. Once a folkloric group was so bad that after many in the audience walked out, the cruise director stopped the show, ordered the performers off the stage, and demanded a refund of their fee.*   Another popular entertainment is a show where the guests perform—a talent show, a chorus, a hula show. We boarded a ship with 2,000 Australians for a two-month cruise from San Francisco to Sydney. We had been hired as dance teachers, which had always meant teaching a one-hour class on sea days. Once onboard, we were informed that we had to create and, each month, present a 40-minute show featuring our students dancing. We were not happy to hear this, as we knew it would be a huge amount of work and expected very few people to come to this show, opting for the professional performances. *   The first dance class drew 125 guests. We thanked the heavens that several couples already knew some nice dance routines. We had to choreograph for several other couples, plus a grand finale where the entire class danced the same routine at the same time. The Australians were amazing. They rehearsed like crazy and did an excellent job. To our delighted surprise, the showroom was packed with guests. One guest said it was the best show of the entire cruise. *   Every day, usually at noon, the captain announces the current location, sea and weather conditions and sometimes the forecast for the next day. Even though all guests each night receive a printout of the next day’s program, some cruise directors make announcements all day long, which is especially annoying on European cruises where the announcements are repeated in four or five languages. The casino is only open when the ship is at sea. We see it full in the evenings on the big ships with short cruises and younger guests. *   Last year, on a two-month cruise with mostly a very senior crowd, sad-faced casino workers stood alone for hours every night. I would stop and talk to them and opined, “The reason no one is here is because seniors are too smart to throw away their money.” Some of them nodded assent. Some remained stone-faced.

Coming Next: More activities, More Big Sell: Ship Excursions.

The Benicia Fullosopher is retired as a guest speaker and dance teacher on cruise ships.

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