The Benicia Fullosopher

My daughter calls cruises “floating assisted living.” I call them “floating shopping malls.” In this and future columns, you’ll read the many ways ships earn a huge amount of their revenue from onboard sales. Often a guest’s final shipboard bill is higher than the fare. Watch out!! Recently, a premium class ship, with 3,500 guests, collected $1.5 million in onboard sales during a four-day cruise!

Art for the Gullible

The lower the class of ship, the more onboard art auctions. Cruise ship art auctions take place in international waters, so the auctioneers are not regulated by any U.S. consumer fraud laws or deceptive business practice regulations. There have been class action lawsuits and hundreds of consumer complaints from guests who bought what they believed was a bargain but later discovered they had been greatly overcharged. The cruise ship auctioneers tell you that their art is a good investment, but many web publications state otherwise, suggesting that they are a scam, or at least a very bad investment. I went to one auction where guests were encouraged_to attend with the promise of free Champagne (actually cheap sparkling wine) and a free, valuable work of art. The auctioneer had the gall to present several paintings as “only available on this ship”_at “exclusive low prices for this cruise only.” I’ve been on many ships, even on different cruise lines, with exactly the same prints at their art auctions. I watched_a print sell for $500.00 that looked just like the same one I saw_at a motel art show in Sacramento_priced at $49.95. And I never did get my free, valuable work of art. Advice: Buy your art at home, or if you are really tempted to buy a work that catches your eye, check prices on the internet before attending the ship’s auction.

Diamonds—Deal or Deception?

Most ships have shopping seminars where you will be advised to shop in the ports at ship-guaranteed stores where you will get the “best deals.” Guests are given coupons for special discounts or free gifts from the stores, and sometimes free transportation to the stores. As you disembark at the dock, a crewmember will pass out maps giving the location of all the official places to shop. Sometimes the shopping consultant will lead a group to the recommended stores. Surprise!! Stores must pay a large fee to be promoted by the ship. In addition, ships get a kickback of up to 50 percent of what you spend. There have been many consumer complaints of being sold inferior diamonds at a much higher price than they are worth. The onboard gift shops on most ships have a variety of lovely jewelry set with precious stones. You will be invited to “exclusive” showings complete with Champagne (that cheap sparkling wine, again) and sometimes a free gift. I am not qualified to comment on the actual value of the jewelry offered. Advice: whether on or off the ship, buy for the beauty of a piece that you would love to wear rather than for the supposed value. Then you won’t be disappointed.

More Revenue for the Ship

The following can add to the cost of your cruise if you choose to participate: Casino, bingo, alcoholic and soft drinks, computer and photography classes, and wine, beer, martini, or cognac tastings. Some wine tastings include serving each sample in a uniquely styled glass that you may keep.

* “Behind the Scenes” Tour of Ship: Some free, or up to $120.

* Photographs by the ship photographers: These are usually well done, but are very expensive. Some ship studios promote black and white photographs that are nicely done and even more expensive. Fortunately, if you are photographed, there is no obligation to buy the pictures. During the cruise, photographers roam around taking random videos that they add to stock footage of ports visited and ship activities. These videos are offered for purchase, of course.

* Corkage Fee: some ships allow guests to bring up to two bottles of wine with a corkage fee ($10 to $30) even if you open it yourself in your cabin.

* Wi-Fi: For many years ships charged 75 cents per minute to use the internet. A discount was available if purchasing a package of minutes. On many cruises, using my laptop and going on line before 7 a.m. or after 10 p.m., I could upload and download mail within two minutes for a charge of $1.50. On my recent cruise, the lowest rate was $14.00 a day. No charging by the minute. I usually wait for the ports where, just about everywhere in the world, I have found free and fast Wi-Fi for $1 to $5 per hour or no charge if you purchase a beverage. Advice: To find the Wi-Fi hot spots, ask a crewmember, tourist information counter at the port, or just walk around.

* Onboard Gift Shops: For gifts, for duty-free alcohol and perfume, clothing, jewelry, for many things you would need, if your luggage never arrives.

* Adult Only areas for a fee: no noisy kids; some ships allow topless sunbathing.

* Ship-Sponsored Excursions: I will be writing a future column on this subject.

Bargain Shopping Onboard

At some time during the cruise there will be a “$10 for everything” sale with faux Pashmina scarves, jewelry, purses, watches, and other accessories. Now, this is the real deal. Necklaces with matching earrings for those formal nights—all the sparkle you could ever want (and who would ever be audacious enough to ask you if your diamonds were real or not?). Ten-dollar watches—I’ve bought two for myself during the past 20 years, and they continue to run (with battery replacements, of course). Designer knockoff purses—wait for the $10 sale. I am currently using a faux leather wallet that I bought on a ship six years ago, and the plastic is holding up beautifully. On the last sea day on many ships there may be a sale of clothing and other items with the ship’s logo. On my cruise in February 2018 the ship had a huge “outlet sale” with tables in the dining room piled high with clothing and accessories, most without the ship’s logo. You may find true bargains at these sales.

Coming Next: Fun and game on those long sea days.

The Benicia Fullosopher is retired as a guest speaker and dance teacher on cruise ships.