By Richard Lubin

AMBROSE BIERCE WROTE THE “DEVIL’S DICTIONARY” in 1906, before World War I, TV or the Internet. It is time for some 21st-century definitions.

Readers are encouraged to contribute; your ideas are welcome. No definition has to be unique as words, not too surprisingly, have many meanings.

Definition, n. A comment that is short, sharply biting and almost borders on the truth. (If it does not offend someone, it is probably not sharp enough.)

Decider, n. Apple drink sold in jugs.

Paradox, n. Two physicians.

Pirates, n. Oven-proof baking dishes.

Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves. By Ambrose Bierce.

Thesaurus, n. Ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.

Diplomat, n. Someone who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

Cleave, v. Adhere.

Or is it …

Cleave, v. Separate.

Dentist, n. A prestidigitator who, by putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket. By Ambrose Bierce.

Fiction, n. A reflection of reality that has to make sense.

Democracy, n. A system in which you are free to do whatever you like as long as you do what we tell you. By Noam Chomsky.

Dust, n. Mud with the juice squeezed out.

Pyrex, n. Buccaneers.

Burglarize, v. What a crook sees with. Contributed by Alan Switzer.

Editing, v. Is a rewording activity.

Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one’s own opinion. By Ambrose Bierce.

Asphalt, n. Rectal problems.

Committee, n. A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Primate, n. Removing your spouse from in front of the TV. Contributed by Alan Switzer.

To live within ones means, sf. To suffer from a lack of imagination. From Oscar Wilde.

Symmetry failure, n. Surgery mistakenly performed on the wrong side of the body.

Cabbage, n. A familiar kitchen garden vegetable about as large and as wise as a man’s head. By Ambrose Bierce.

Bernadette, n. The act of torching a mortgage. Contributed by Alan Switzer.

Use Devilsdefinitions@gmail.com to submit definitions to be included in future columns. Identify yourself, name and phone number, and indicate if you want your name printed with your definition.

Thank you and enjoy.

Richard Lubin is a Benicia resident.