The Benicia Fullosopher

Once you have decided the type of cruise you would like, if you wish to get the best price, here are some things to know. Fares vary on the same ship for the exact same itinerary and length of time. Fares are highest when children are out of school. For the rest of the year fares go up and down depending on supply and demand. On the discount websites prices start dropping about ninety days before the sailing date. The longer you wait to book, the lower the price usually; however, the cabins might all be sold before you try to sign up, so you do take a chance waiting. Sometimes there are lower fares for booking well in advance.

Before booking

Before you book, check ID requirements–passport or official birth certificate–and be sure  you have enough time to obtain these documents. Research potential shipmates to find the average age, age range, adult to children ratio. On Cruisecritic.com, each ship has a category called “fellow passengers.” I’ve been on cruises with six hundred children, on others with no children, on party ships where in the morning the deck hot tubs were full of young people nursing hangovers with Bloody Marys after dancing until two a.m., on ships where the average age was seventy and most everyone was in bed by nine p.m. as the dance bands played to an empty room. In general, the longer the cruise or the more expensive the trip, the fewer children on board and the older the guests. After booking, get travel insurance, at least for medical coverage. Most ships have doctors on board and their treatments can be very expensive. Ships sometimes make emergency stops at ports to send guests to the hospital or airport. Travel insurance will usually cover these costs.

Boarding the ship

On sailing day, be patient. Bring a snack. Have devices fully charged. Ships keep refining the embarkation process to make it quicker and easier, but occasionally you may find yourself seated or standing for several hours, sometimes outdoors, waiting for the ship to be “cleared” which means that the disembarking from the previous trip has been completed. Sometimes due to weather the ship arrives late. Once I was on a ship where disembarkation was greatly delayed by the U.S. immigration department. Hungry and grumpy guests waited for six hours before boarding. Big delays are the exception, but it is best to be prepared for a wait. Often you will be allowed to board but not to get into your cabin for a few hours while cleaning is completed. Advice: Relax and head for one of the many dining rooms or bars. Take a tour of the ship or stretch out on a deck lounge chair for a nap.

The big sell begins at the spa

I wish I had a dollar for how many times during my cruises I saw or heard the word “free” that was just a prelude to offering expensive products or services you could easily get elsewhere for much less. One of the places you see or hear the word “free” just about every day is from the spa staff. The spa usually includes a gym filled with muscle-building machines, exercise bikes, weights, mats, and other workout toys. You can gaze at the sea through big windows as you walk forever on a treadmill. These are great for cold, windy days. Otherwise, it’s much more pleasant to walk on the deck in fresh air. I’ve enjoyed daily fitness classes for stretching, Zumba, or other aerobics. There is often a charge for yoga, tai chi, spinning classes, or attention from a personal trainer. You’ll find a steam room and/or sauna (towels provided), and an exclusive section where you pay extra ($40-$75 per day per person) to use a separate area with a hot tub and steam room, fancier décor, and cushier lounge chairs.
In general, the lower the class of ship, the more frequent the sales pitches. On day one—and every day and evening afterward—you will be greeted in several areas of the ship by smiling, fit, attractive “spa gals” in dark blue uniforms. Sometimes hunky “spa guys.” Spa employees on many ships work for the X Company, one of several concessions that provide products or services on ships. They will offer tours of the exclusive spa area, free_mini massages, and seminars on how to improve your posture, skin, energy, and health—while promoting expensive beauty products. A few years ago the spa staff began doing a “foot analysis” in order to sell expensive orthotics to solve all your back, hip, and other aches and pains. Guests are told the orthotics are offered at a discounted price. I found them on the internet for less. Many ships offer Botox injections, teeth whitening, acupuncture, and my favorite dubious treatment called Ionithermie:_ lose up to eight inches, improve skin tone, eliminate cellulite, and detox by being electrocuted for only $199. OK, I’m exaggerating. They don’t kill you. Your body is packed in algae-infused clay and wrapped in plastic, and then electrodes are applied to deliver a pulse which causes your muscles to contract. Before you try this, I recommend viewing a very interesting web posting on the treatment: skeptoid.com/episodes/4436.     Another magic treatment to lose inches for a few hundred dollars: You are put in a big, white tube_that does I-don’t-know-what. Bakes away or compresses your fat? Sucks or jiggles excess blubber_into oblivion? A guest tried it and told me_she did not lose anything but money. Advice: Relax, and_don’t try to lose inches on a cruise. It’s a vain endeavor, especially if the food is really good. But do be careful. I’ve heard that the average cruiser gains a pound a day.
On my 2017 cruise, a 45-minute massage cost $199.00. I’ve seen massages in several ports from $2 to $45. Onboard hairdos, manicures, and other services are expensive. What is sad is that the service provider gets only ten percent of the price you are charged plus a 15 percent tip. Thus, if you pay $199 plus the 15 percent tip, the service provider gets $19.90 plus_$29.85, for a total of $49.75. There are slightly lower prices for spa services on port days. Advice: Have haircut before leaving home, and find beauty/massage services on land at the port. There are daily invitations to free makeovers or pamper parties, and up to six talks a day on health-related subjects. I went to a makeover with about twenty guests where only one guest was selected to have a variety of goos, gels, and makeup applied while the rest of us watched her transformation from unremarkable to glamorous. Then we were encouraged to buy the products that were used.    Surprise! The products happen to be owned by the X Company spa concession and were very expensive. Several spa employees told me that they are constantly forced to push push push the products and services to meet a quota or lose their jobs. Advice: Buy your goos, gels, and makeup at home. Or my preference: Have good health and beautiful skin by eating nutritious food, using soap sparingly, and exercising year round.

Coming Next: FOOD FOOD FOOD

The Benicia Fullosopher is retired as a guest speaker and dance teacher on cruise ships.

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