Keys to positive discipline, part 2

Read part one by clicking HERE.

Setting up your behavioral plan

IDENTIFY WHAT YOUR CHILD’S BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS ARE. Then start working on them one behavior at a time.

Identify those behavior cycles that your child is displaying on a continuing basis. Prior to initiating a change, you will need to understand that you play a part in precipitating this behavior. Know what your role in it is, and be open to the possibility of making a change within yourself to alter your child’s behavior.

Sometimes simply in shifting your reaction, you create the desired shift within your child.

• What is it exactly that you wish to change?

• Set boundaries that show clear limits and will encourage self-control within your child.

• Allow them to participate in the process of determining appropriate consequences. Giving your child an explanation of the consequences helps them make conscious choices, and it hones in on developing their decision-making skills.

• Empower your child by encouraging them to realize that they are in control of their own outcomes.
Any behavioral plan is based on two important concepts.

First, you are more likely to succeed in changing behavior by rewarding what is desired than by punishing what is undesired.

Secondly, for a plan to work, your responses to acceptable and unacceptable behaviors must be consistent.

You must continue the program until you are absolutely certain that the unacceptable behavior is gone. Inconsistencies in your responses will actually increase the behavior that you wish to stop. As you know, there is no right or wrong here — what is important is to work together with other parenting authorities in the home to develop this plan.

None of the above can be accomplished through reasoning, bargaining, bribing, threatening or trying to provoke guilt. You must already know that if you “step into the arena” — play your child’s game and agree to debate or argue with your child — you lose.

If you say that it is time to go to sleep and your child says, “But just another 15 minutes, please, pretty please,” the answer must be, “I said that now is the time for bed.” If you argue or relent about the 15 minutes, then it will soon become much more than just an additional 15 minutes, and soon your frustration and anger will result in additional confrontations and defiance. Now is not the time to be building in flexibility.

Planning your discipline strategies

Overwhelmed? Confused and exhausted because nothing has worked — and frustrated that things seem to be getting worse?

Knowing that action needs to be taken but not quite knowing what to do can create stress and tension between you and your spouse. You may not quite agree on strategies or what will work given the situation. When this happens, stop for a moment and literally take a breath and a break.

The first step is to collect data on your observations of the behavior. Each of the parenting figures should collect data separately so you can compare. It is important to do this baseline so you may begin to change things from the way you see them as having happened.

To collate the data, you may wish to develop a chart. This chart will be used to record the particular behavior, the antecedent (what happened just before the behavior occurred) and the resulting consequence for the inappropriate behavior.

Date and Time:
________, ___ at __:__ am/pm
Antecedent:
Behavior:
Consequence:

Everyone involved will have different lists that will reflect the different parenting styles you use. For example, one may be a disciplinarian and the other may be more laid back. Neither approach is right or wrong.

The important goal is that each of you agrees on what the expectations are for the child, and that the both of you are being consistent in asking that they be met.

Inconsistency reinforces the poor behavior. Consistency stops it. In keeping track of your child’s cycles, you will begin to see a pattern of that specific behavior.

Physical (hitting or throwing)
Verbal (Yelling, teasing, cursing, threatening)
Noncompliance (Not listening to what is said, not doing what is requested, being openly defiant)

Once the cycle is identified, it is useful to recognize the patterns. For example, does the behavior occur when the child is hungry, not feeling well or tired? Is the behavior occurring when the child comes from school, when he/she has missed their medication, or when they are around a certain person? Is it related to academic performance, or possibly the type of parenting style?

Setting up the plan

At this stage, define the behavior as clearly as possible and work out a consequence that will be carried out in a consistent fashion. Once the plan is put on paper, introduce it to the family. The plan should be consistent among all siblings. Even if the behavior pattern is not for all the children, it will benefit them to be aware of consequences and/or the reward for their behavior.

The plan you create should be divided into three steps:

1. Create a schedule and divide the day into intervals. Wake-up time until departure for school; arrival from school until after supper; after supper to bedtime. Weekends can be divided into four parts, with the meals as the dividers.

2. List the behavior(s) that you are focusing on.

3. The purpose of the plan is to reinforce positive behaviors, which can be done in several ways. You can set up a point system whereby if the behavior does not occur during a specific interval, then the child will receive a point, or a sticker. It can be anything that will motivate the child to want to receive the reward. You can also use verbal praise; in most cases you will use both together, which of course works best.

A scenario that implements this practice could be:

Elliott gets up in the morning, completes all of his responsibilities, but calls his sister “stupid.” So Elliott gets his points for completing his tasks and for not hitting. You may say “Elliott, I am pleased that you earned two points for following the rules, tidying up and for not hitting this morning. I wish I could have given you your third point, but you did call your sister a name.”

You may also say to Cathy, “Cathy, I am happy that you earned all three of your points. Thank you for not calling your brother a name, after he called you one.”

Can you see here that behavior is being changed by rewarding appropriate behavior from the child and not by punishing their wrongdoing?

A system is set up whereby the points are counted daily and recorded on a chart. The points can be used either daily, weekly or even as a special reward for a major accomplishment.

Having the child participate in developing the rewards will create excitement to then accomplish the task, but all final decisions on the type of reward and whether the child has earned the reward will be made by you.

And of course each reward must be individualized to the specific child’s likes and desires.

Stephen Dubrofsky has been a teacher, workshop facilitator, author and parent educator for the past 15 years, helping families create healthier relationships with their children. Learn more at www.stepforwardlearningcenter.com.