Keys to positive discipline, part 1

LET’S NOT UNDERESTIMATE OURSELVES — we can and do play crucial roles in awakening or developing the strengths within our children through the experiences we provide our child at home.

Included in today’s work are some ways for you to bring out the best in your child, regardless of how he/she is packaged. In addition there are guidelines that will help you fulfill that intention.

Do you know the difference between punishment and discipline?

Punishment: To inflict pain or loss. To cause pain, loss or some discomfort to a person because of some fault or offense.

Discipline: Training, especially of the mind or character. The ultimate training effect of experience.

We often confuse the words discipline and punishment. It is through disciplining our children that we teach them values and set their boundaries. This can, and should, always be done in a constructive, nurturing and caring — but firm —manner. Through this process, self-control, self-esteem and responsibility are manifested and ingrained in your child.

Effective strategies that can provide discipline while nurturing the dignity and grace within your child:

• Setting limits — Parents must set limits for their children. No one else can discipline with the same love, affection and caring as a parent. Knowing where their boundaries are gives a child a sense of safety and security. They are naturally more comfortable with regular routines where they know what is expected of them. Sit with your child and decide certain consequences for negative behaviors. Allow them to be aware of the consequences if they go beyond the set limit prior to them finding themselves in the situation.

• Discipline — It is the parent’s gift to their child to see that they experience the consequence of their own behavior. Consequence is one of the best teaching methods available. Allow your child to see that they are in control of their own outcomes. Giving your child choices while letting them know what the outcome will be provides them with experience in good decision making versus poor decision making.

Remember to acknowledge when your child makes a good choice, and praise them for it. Positive reinforcement is so important to the esteem of everyone, and I cannot stress enough how important I find it to be in the parenting of a child. Find something to praise in your child at least three times during the day.

As a matter of fact find something to praise yourself for. Yes, pat yourself on the back. You are doing a wonderful job at parenting this amazing child you have. Feeling good about yourself? This is exactly how your child will feel from the praise they receive from you. It may be all the encouragement they need.

Avoid power struggles with a child, for this just shows your child that you are not in control of the situation. Power struggles are just another way for us to exert control, and control is exactly what we are trying not to teach here. We want them to learn from the outcomes and consequences of their decisions. We want to reinforce the situation where our children can learn more about themselves from their own experiences and through good decision making.

• Empty threats — We’ve all done this. If we allowed ourselves to look, we’d see how foolish we are for doing it. We could actually have a good laugh at our own expense when we look back at some of the outrageous, emotionally charged and frustrating, empty threats we’ve made.

Making threats that cannot be carried out is worse than futile. At best, threats just show our kids that we are feeling helpless and hopeless. Kids become defiant to worthless threats because they already know the truth, which is that we have no intention of carrying them out in the first place. We’ve lost composure and control of the situation. The child can then challenge the threat and show us who is really in control. Is this what we want?

A wise parent will not make any statements that cannot be followed through. I wish you good luck with this one because once again, for some of us it may be easier said than practiced.

Children may not believe what we say, but will always believe everything we do! — Elaine Gibson

The key is to take the emotion out of discipline by not lecturing, arguing or raising your voice. Your job is to set the limits, the consequences and then follow through. Punishment will not work — but discipline will!

Parental authority

If at all, we wish to convey a sense of authority in a positive way. To be authoritative is to show through our attitude, body language, tone of voice and the volume with which we speak what it is that we wish from our child. My suggestion is that it be done in a consistent, firm and loving manner. These are the qualities that we wish to use when conveying authority to our child.

If there is a hint of fear, tentativeness, confusion, begging, pleading or anger in our voice, then our authority is lost, as the child can clearly see that we have lost our composure. I have seen countless instances where children as young as a year old are literally running their families because a parent was afraid to assert their authority. When that happens a child will seize control because they know the adult is obviously not the one in charge.

We can be kind to children and still be firm, but our expectations must be clear right from the beginning. When a child has no choice, then no options should be given to them.

An example of this is when it is time for supper, and Jackie is called to come to sit down at the table. Jackie says, “I’ll be there in one second” and keeps on playing. Five minutes later, Jackie is called once again, and again Jackie says, “I’ll be right there.” The parent then tries to convince Jackie to come to the table and a confrontation occurs.

When it is time to eat, the parent must let the child know what the expectations and consequences are.

What we may not realize is that by allowing this situation to occur we are sending the message that this is acceptable behavior. We are teaching our children how to be defiant. The term used to describe this behavior is “oppositional defiance.”

We know that parenting is never simple, but perhaps these suggestions will assist you in making your wishes known to your child:

• Make your expectations clear

• Talk and act like a parent who is in control and has self-control

• Believe in and institute a gentle but firm way of delivering your authority

• Help the child follow through with your expectations of them

• Be prepared to carry out the consequences if they don’t

This is a time when your child is learning from you. Remember to be consistent, firm and loving. Your patience in this will work miracles in the raising of your child.

Don’t be afraid to be boss!

Children are constantly testing, attempting to see how much they can get away with — how far you will let them go — and they secretly hope you will not let them go far. — Ann Landers

Join us in two weeks for part two of “Keys to positive discipline.”

Stephen Dubrofsky has been a teacher, workshop facilitator, author and parent educator for the past 15 years, helping families create healthier relationships with their children. Learn more at www.stepforwardlearningcenter.com.