There is a not-so-funny joke that has been around for too long. When asked what it is that women want, the answer is whatever they want.When asked, what is it that men want it is assumed that they want to be left in their cave watching sports and to be fed occasionally.
This view of the genders is the common light hearted repartee often heard at Mah Jongg and poker games. What the genders have in common is that teasing is an acceptable, enjoyable past time. It is not a surprise then that what all couples and possible matches put at the top of their lists is having a sense of humor. We all love to laugh together.
Just recently, Bob and I were reading Gene Wilder’s biography, “Kiss Me Like a Stranger.”
Gene has had a wonderfully successful life playing on Broadway, writing movies, acting in them, directing, and having four marriages. His third marriage was to Gilda Radner.
Instead of wanting to know more about Gene after the reading, we both wanted to know more about Gilda, who charmed her way into the lives of anyone who watched “Saturday Night Live.” On YouTube, we were able to catch glimpses of this comedienne that died of ovarian cancer at 43.
She was masterful. Her charm came in part from her comfort in front of the camera. When she gave the commencement speech before Columbia’s School of Journalism, she had the graduates howling while the academicians on stage never cracked a smile. Some people do not have a sense of humor. Hard to believe, but here was evidence.
Since watching the video clips, I find myself making some of the cute faces that Gilda made. I will have to check in with my closest friends to see if they are wondering if I have facial tics, am looking like I have palsy or am actually charming and adorable like Gilda.
So back to what men and women actually want, or many of them, excluding the sourpusses on stage with Gilda, is a playmate.
As a result of signing up for Match and Our Time, I started receiving invitations to invest in Christian Carter’s program to get that man you want. Some of his positions indicate that being beautiful is not what is ultimately sustainable in a relationship. He states that a man won’t stay around “unless there is the magic Emotional or Intellectual attraction that will keep him wondering or actually longing for you. He’ll be addicted to you because you’re playful and unpredictable. Because of the way you carry yourself and the way he feels around you.” Of course, the caveat for his program is that he can teach you how to be irresistible. Hard to imagine any man being drawn to any woman following a script. However some of his no-nos are rather obvious—complaining, boring subjects and having him carry the conversation. Practices of appealing to logic (convincing him of the viability of a relationship), withholding affection(to show you are not happy with the way things are going) or negotiating (giving ultimatums) are errors that can be made.
I read some of Christian’s missives, but never signed up for his formulaic program. He makes some important points of which, in my infinite wisdom and experience with men (not), seem logical. Thus, I have come to some of my own conclusions that men are thrilled if they can couple with a Melania. Who doesn’t love the beautiful people? But in the end the men want what women want. Intimacy! They and we women want, if we have the courage, to be close to a loving, sweet person who makes us laugh. What can be better than that?

Ellen Blaufarb is a marriage family therapist

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