As part of my recent East Coast sojourn, visiting with my family was part of the deal. Bob had never met my husband’s brothers and sisters and their mates. This was a golden opportunity especially since there is a Blaufarb wedding on the horizon in October.
Every time I visit, I realize that over all these years California was a great choice for me. California, and, more specifically, Benicia is my home of choice. Mind you I love all these people– well, maybe not my brother-in-law, and then there is my sister-in-law who still holds grudges for something, I know not what, I did it many years ago, I guess. But all in all, they are all gracious and welcome me. For some even with open arms….
It is just a dissonance for me that success is seen as the position you hold and the money you have. I do see this as particularly east coast. When meeting new people, the question is always the same, what do you do and where do you live. These answers place you in a hierarchical order which translates into whether you can start an acquaintance.
I think Californians, being transplants a many, are not as snobbish, but I could be wrong. I just know that I could not have flourished in such a habitat based on someones notion of success.
To underline what I experience, I will share a vignette.
My sister-in-law who is enormously wealthy, and accomplished asked what I liked about her younger brother, who the family has dubbed as the crazy one. I answered by saying that I honored him for the way he treated his wife and son and his son’s fiancee that he loves so deeply and is so positive in his life. My sister-in-law could not understand. In her home she has a prominent sign that says,”I will be nicer, if you will be smarter.” I rest my case.
We went from my highly achieving, successful Blaufarbs, who I happen to love, even though we are worlds apart in our values, to my sister and her husband. They are family and even if we disagree we will stand by each other through the celebrations and the disappointments.
I can’t believe I did not prepare Bob for what he was about to encounter. Disembarking from the ferry that took us from Westport, Conn. to Coram, N.Y., we drove to the home that is ready to fall down because it is in such disrepair. Bob is very clean, he keeps his home in top-notch condition and fixes everything immediately when it is needed. To bring him to a home with dry rot, mold, wear and tear over the 50 years of non-replacement was a cruel and unusual punishment. Fortunately he had seen my relatives in their Scottsdale, Ariz. habitat where they live like normal people-not like poverty homeless people who barely have a roof over their heads.
But Bob made a wonderful impression on all counts. He was smart enough and received a high approval rank from the Blaufarbs. “You passed the test,” said my sister-in-law. “You did well”, from another sister-in-law, but “so did he.”
And because he fixed a toilet, and dried out the foundation on my sister’s home, he made the grade as a welcome guest. All is well on all counts.
As for me, I am grateful and delighted that with their brother, brother-in-law deceased, nine years hence that they continue to see me as a part of the family and have now even brought Bob into the mix._With all the pretense and hierarchy, we are still a remarkable family.

Ellen Blaufarb is a marriage family therapist.

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