SEVERAL YEARS AGO, I HAD A FRIEND WHO LIVED in a trailer park next to the freeway here in Benicia. She had just come through a divorce and lived there with her daughter. One day I stopped by with her ex-husband to pick up his daughter for the weekend. The girl wasn’t ready when we got there — she was middle-school-age then, and therefore took longer to get ready than Lady Gaga before a show. Mom and dad were soon fully occupied with the titanic struggle that is motivating a 13-year-old.
Waiting, I sat on a little bench outside, near the driveway entrance to the trailer park. Nearby, a couple of little girls in matching floral-print dresses helped each other make mud pies. They were maybe 5 or 6 years old. It was the kind of scene that melts your heart, and watching them I remembered a little bit about what it was like to be that young and carefree.
My nostalgia was interrupted by a couple of young men walking past the entrance. They looked in and loudly made a joke about “trailer trash,” and about how mom and dad were probably sister and brother.
I sat there speechless for a moment. The little girls flinched, but said nothing, and I could see a terrible, wounding shame descend on them like a shroud. They stood up and tried to wipe the mud from their hands, and it seemed to me as if they were trying to wash away not just physical mud, but also the stigma of their lives in that place. They had just been taught to be ashamed of themselves — that they were “trash.” It is a terrible thing to tell someone. I got up and turned to give the two young men my thoughts on their wounding words, but they high-tailed it out of there.
If I were to make a list of terms I would love to see banished from our discourse, “trailer trash” would be near the top. It is a term that has somehow attained respectability despite its hatefulness — I’ve heard Jay Leno use it on the “Tonight Show” as a punch line. This is appalling to me.
The way we treat poor people in this country is shameful; it is also the cause of quite a bit of fear.
I recently heard an interview with New York Times columnist David Brooks in which the interviewer asked about the much-noted trend of parents in the middle and upper-middle classes keeping their kids busy with soccer, SAT prep, extra-curricular activities and a great deal more. The interviewer asked Brooks if he thought fear (on the part of parents) could explain some of this. Brooks sounded startled by the question, then dodged it. The question clearly made him uncomfortable.
I think fear is exactly what motivates many of these parents, though I think most are unaware of the roots of this fear. It is inspired, in part, by how our society treats poor people — the merciless judgment that they are lazy and deserve their lot; that poverty, rather than being an economic circumstance, is instead a defect of character. The fear is not so much of material deprivation; by the standards of both history and much of the rest of the world, most poor people in America aren’t actually very poor. The fear is of being treated as Trash — as people who don’t matter.
One other thing worth considering: I think the question that made David Brooks uncomfortable had that effect because it touched on something that points directly to a core constituency of his Republican Party: powerful, vested interests hoping you and I keep that fear, because that fear keeps us in line.
At the end of his movie “Sicko,” about the American health care system, Michael Moore captured a powerful truth about the way we live:
“It was hard for me to acknowledge that in the end, we truly are in the same boat. And that, no matter what our differences, we sink or swim together. That’s how it seems to be everywhere else. They take care of each other, no matter what their disagreements. You know, when we see a good idea from another country, we grab it. If they build a better car, we drive it. If they make a better wine, we drink it. So if they have come up with a better way to treat the sick, to teach their kids, to take care of their babies, to simply be good to each other, then what’s our problem? Why can’t we do that? They live in a world of WE, not ME. We’ll never fix anything until we get that one basic thing right. And powerful forces hope that we never do — and that we remain the only country in the western world without free, universal health care. You know — if we ever did remove the choke-hold of medical bills, college loans, day care and everything else that makes us afraid to step out of line, well, watch out …”
Part of being “in the same boat” is recognizing that no one is more or less worthy of esteem than anyone else, merely on the basis of his or her bank balance. Can you and I, at least, agree never to use the term “trailer trash” again?
Matt Talbot is a writer and poet, as well as an old Benicia hand. He works for a tech start-up in San Francisco.
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Funny – when you own a trailer and keep it at a storage facility to take it out to live in on the occasional weekend, you seem middle class or above, but if you have to live in it, your “trash”? I tell you what…if I lost my job/home/savings etc…I would have no shame living in my beautiful (old restored retro) trailer. And – the folks that live at RV resorts full time seem to have the life I want someday when I retire.
Matt –
I respectfully disagree. Esteem comes from how you feel about yourself. It does not come from names that others call you.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.
Victim of this. Victim of that. Your Momma’s too thin and your Daddy’s too fat. Get over it!
If somebody can’t handle being call trailer trash, what happens when they are told that they didn’t get the job? What happens when they are laid off due to no fault of their own? Life is full of disappointments. Being called a name is minor.
Tell that to a 5 year old.
A few years back my daughter attended one of the Benicia preschools that have been around for a couple of generations. When she was four an older boy decided that kicking her is the shins was fun. To the preschools credit the perp did some time on “the bench” (Can you believe that he was actually held accountable for his actions? Imagine the damage to his psyche!) when the behavior continued, we told our daughter to kick him in the crotch.
Years later our boys were in the same preschool when a little hellion decided that it was fun to clench a hot wheels cars in his fist and then hit other kids with the car / fist combination. We told the boys how to deal with that kid.
Our kids are currently fine despite being subjected to physical violence prior to the age of five. Our kids are all doing fine. And yes, they have been called more insulting names than trailer trash. They’ve also had other set backs. They’re going to be okay.
Tom, I’m not talking about one kid saying something mean to another kid. That happens every day on every schoolyard and on every street in the country.
What I am saying is that I am pretty confident that the incident I described was not the first time those girls got the message that they were supposedly “trash”, and I am reasonably (and sadly) certain that it was not the last. Bigotry against poor people is, as I said in the column, shamefully common. When your life includes a constant stream of being devalued and dismissed as worthless, that would challenge even the most iron of egos.
People like those little girls deserve to be treated better than they were, and people whose bank accounts happen to be tiny or non-existent need and deserve respect, too.
Matt –
We all deserve to be treated with respect. You are absolutely correct. But life and other people will periodically treat us unfairly. Hence the cliche, “life is unfair”.
Rich kids are called names as are poor kids. I remember a friend in junior high school who felt tormented in science class because everyone referred to him as “Brain” in a demeaning fashion. He hated 7th period back then. Back then he just wanted to fit in. He’s doing okay now despite being made uncomfortable for no valid reason.
I once read a research article that concluded that people who grew up poor were less likely to commit suicide when faced with challenges in their later years. The hypothesis was that since they had dealt with hardships for their entire lives they were more capable of dealing with setbacks than miidle class people that had never suffered such problems.
Isn’t it our job as parents and / or mentors to prepare kids for life’s harsh realities despite the fact that they are precious treasures? Isn’t that why earlier generations were taught the nursery rhyme Sticks and Stones? In Nursey School?
that was a very true and simple explanation. Nothing more need be said.
Tom –
You seem to be eliding the point of my column, which was not just about people mistreating each other generally – I’ve already agreed that it’s pretty much a feature of life – but about a particular kind of bigotry which is both socially corrosive, and also far too socially acceptable.
Matt –
Am I eliding the point of your column or attempting to broaden the conversation? Is it wrong to call someone trailer trash, but acceptable for those in the South Central riots to paint “Black Owned” on businesses so that they wouldn’t be looted? We are all victims of hatred and unfairness. That’s why it’s called unfair. That’s why Mother’s of kindergartners begin to teach their kids that life is unfair. We can’t be precious flowers forever. We have to be prepared to deal with life on life’s terms. However unfair those terms may be. Whether it is being called “trailer trash” or “elitist prep school graduate”.
Tom – yes, plenty of other discrimination exists, but my intention in this column was to draw attention to one particular kind.
You write well, Tom – have you explored the possibility of contributing a column here at the Herald? I think I would a) often disagree with it, and b) very much enjoy reading it.
Why draw attention to one particular kind of discrimination? Why not just say that there are many kinds of discrimination and that they are all wrong?
I appreciate your kind words Matt. I respect your views, abilities and writings. While I never commented on it, I particularly enjoyed your article about the people that you grew up with in “The Flats” of Richmond. You put real personalities if not faces on the people that shaped your early years. The kid in the wheel chair, the older lady who had a sense when the mean streets were about to get meaner. I wish I had the opportunity to meet them!
Maybe it’s time for that cup of coffee. I would need a lot of coaching prior to penning my first column!
Uh, “why draw attention to one particular kind of discrimination”? Because that’s why this oped is about. Are you attempting to “broaden the conversation” because this one is beyond you? Let’s stick to the topic: discrimination against the poor. Let the sad rich kids have their day, by all means, but let it be another day.
Tom you are correct. If we are talking about poor folks lets talk bout the sucess of the Lamont Ca. dust bowl folks. Look at what they did and the respect that they gained. Built their own school with a swimming pool. Now that is how it is done. Believe me they have respect, accomplishment and plenty of achievment to talk about. But guess what they do not. There is not much left of their original project, but it is worth the trip to see just what they endured and accomplished. If you think that they did not hear the name calling you are wrong, they did and out did those folks. they are a very highly regarded group of folks.. Back then they were called Okies. To them it was and is a very proud name.
The problem Matt described was not that the little first grade girls heard themselves referred to as trailer trash, although that was truly unfortunate.
The problem was the 2 young men who said the insult, loud enough for those little girls to hear. Why would any person say such a thing? Where was their compassion?
I can guarantee that pre-schoolers (no older than 3 or 4 years old, right?) who are acting out violently at school – kicking the shins of other children, using a toy in their fists to hit other children – are being treated similarly or worse at home.
I understand that you thought it was necessary for your children to defend themselves. Did you talk to the pre-school teacher, or the teacher’s supervisor? Did you think about changing to a different pre-school where children were taught how to play respectfully?
Jeanius –
How can you guarantee (your words) that the parents of the preschoolers that I mentioned above were subjecting their kids to violence at home? You don’t even know the names of the people involved, let alone know the people themselves.
I did speak to the head of the school and most, if not all, of the teachers. My wife and I also spoke directly to the mothers and the fathers of the perps. Why should we have to change schools when we were the victims of violence? Can you give me the name of a preschool where it is guaranteed that no physical violence or name calling will occur? Such a school does not exist. Life doesn’t work that way. The most responsible thing that we can do is to prepare our young loved ones for the realities of life. The realities as they really are. Not the realities that we wish were real.
Some times good people do bad things. There are mean people who frequently do mean things for no reason at all. I have dug ditches alongside people from meager beginnings. Some I was proud to call friends. Some I would never turn my back on. I’ve also darkened the halls of Ivy League institutions. Alongside people that I was proud to call friends and those that I would never turn my back on. People can, and do, carry themselves with class regardless of what socio-economic class they are in.
Can we tell a five year old that being called a name shouldn’t hurt them? Yes we can. Will it cure the hurt that they are feeling? No it won’t. But it can help prepare them for the harsher eventualities that life will throw their way. I would love to make life easy for all of my loved ones. In fact, I would love to make life easy for all future generations. Life just doesn’t work that way.
Exactly. It is not enough to teach children that “It’s a jungle out there” and that life can be unfair and many people heartless and selfish. They need to be schooled in those behaviors both mental and moral that sustain and improve civilized life and make community possible. Teaching must proceed by example as well as precept.
How do you know?
How do you know?
I do not know why I even waisted my time reading this article. Mr. Abbot just what you are telling us? I hope you are telling the readers that is exactally what happened. Matt have you ever expierenced the put down by someone that went to an Ivy League College and you just went to a California State school and their father was in the state dept overseas. Matt that is a put down. Try competeing with Ivy League MBA’s and you just have an undergraduate degree fom a no name school. I will take the trash talk any day of the week and bury the eastern over rated Liberals. Matt it all about desire and the will to compete.. If you have that will you will make a mark regardless of your back ground. Lets all start to stand up for ourselves and not let others hold us down.
Tell that to a 5 year old. Also, Talbot
Livesay seems unable to tell Talbot from Abbot. Maybe Bob’s Lou Costello.
Sorry Robert shelby about my wrong name. The one thing I do know is the difference between the American Flag and a rag. Sorry Mr. Talbot for not addressing you with the correct name. My error and I am sorry.
I told that to my five year olds. Guess what they are doing fine.
Name-calling hurts plenty of people. Maybe not Tom, but other people, yes. I think Talbot’s point is not that the little girls would never get over the injury, but rather that the insults were ugly and gratuitous and directed at little girls, really small girls, who are not usually well-positioned to defend themselves against insults delivered by young men. There are plenty of people who would not appreciate hearing that their parents were “probably brother and sister,” and who might feel angry or upset or even ashamed. Maybe not Tom, but I can think of people who would. It doesn’t make them crybabies. And since five- or six-year-old girls are also not typically in a position to change their family’s net worth for the better, it also seems unnecessarily cruel to taunt them about it. This is the material point. I also think it can be frightening to a child when a grown stranger singles them out for ridicule or contempt. Not Tom, of course. I meant other children.
I don’t know if fear of being poor motivates people to work harder–it seems like a reasonable theory–but I do know that many people who are not really making it don’t like to admit it. Why? Because they’re ashamed of it. There may be other reasons as well, but that’s certainly one of them.
As a parent I have never had a problem telling an explainig negative comments to my children. I would hope all of you do the same.
It’s totally amazing to me how many people have either deliberately or obtusively missed the point of this article and, even more amazingly, are using the logic Mr. Talbot describes as the problem to defend themselves.
Matt,
You are correct that people are deserving of respect, not matter what their circumstances in life. But the circumstances one is born into, do not always dictate what the future holds for any individual. Success is measured in large and small ways.
You may remember a movie; “Cinderella Man” the story of Gentlemen Jim Corbett (as played by Russell Crowe). The scene I remember best in that movie was when Braddock, after having received welfare to support his family, was now flush after winning a big fight, he then went back to the welfare office to pay the money back.
That kind of character is too often lacking today, which is a real shame.
Right when I thought finally this guy might write something useful he turns it political. As if all politicians don’t use fear.
Quote from Michael Moore contained above: “we remain the only country in the western world without free, universal health care.”
There exists no country in the world that offers free healthcare.
Y’all should treat others as you’d like others to treat you.
Wow – and for all these years I had always just thought of trailer parks as the original gated communities.Like boat marinas.
And Matt – are you ok? You have such a dark, depressing, and victim view of the world.In one of your columns you hung on to the notion that there was no accountability in the world,wouldn’t have it any other way no matter what the argument. Held on like a Pit Bull on an ankle. I suspect the little girls in the trailer park were just fine – unless they talked to you.