By Ken Paulk

BENICIANS AND BEYOND,

We’re well into the summer and we’ve moved from the kitchen to outdoors. Moderation or excess have been the two choices of my life, but when it comes to cooking outside, excess always wins out.

I remember way back in college I was supposed to be some kind of Barbecue King, but all my fellow friends and frats wouldn’t know the difference. Remember, in 1968-72, students had many choices: go to college, die from a drug overdose, wait for your draft number, flake out and not register and move to Canada, or go ahead and join the Armed Services. I elected college and the Army.

As most of you know, I am a staunch supporter of our troops, having a brother, son-in-law and now my daughter — not to mention yours truly — as an active or former members of our Armed Forces. I have and always will support our troops, but back in the ’70s a backyard barbecue was a little different. Most of my friends were off to Vietnam and were either killed or strung out, and the others were headed for California.

I chose a different route, heading to college and a great career in apparel for more than 30 years. When it was time to hang up my spurs, I decided to move to California. As I mentioned previously, most of my friends either died in Vietnam or doing stupid stuff, but when it came my time — California here I come.

I will tell you, those early days of barbecue in the late ’60s and early ’70s were fun. Not to pass judgment or influence on our younger readers, but I do think about times when we ate in folding chairs and had pasture parties and even now I catch myself reminiscing about the times when we had too much spirits. I’m sorry to offend anyone, but that was the way it was.

Anyway, it’s inevitable that when you get all your friends together for a barbecue and everyone brings a dish, someone’s going to bring a pot full of stuff that you have no desire to eat. It’ll be the same pot of stuff they brought last time and the time before and the time before. So to help future barbecues go off without a hitch, here’s a list of the staple items you don’t need to bring to your next barbecue — because no one wants it. No one. Some of you will disagree and that’s OK. It’s called democracy and freedom of barbecue.

Potato salad

We’ll start with the most controversial first. Why? Because there’s a good chance you like potato salad and why shouldn’t you, it can be delicious. Everything hinges on the word “can” in that sentence. A lion in the wild “can” pass you by instead of eating you. So maybe you “can” make great potato salad — but why risk it?

You may have 99 great potato salads in a row and one bad, awful potato salad debacle will make you decide to never eat it again. When someone mixes undercooked potatoes with bad mayo and rough-chopped onions, well it’s just not right.

A watermelon

If people are taking the time to get together, cook some food and share with friends, it’s not that a watermelon is a bad idea to be there. It’s just not the only thing you should bring because it means you really don’t care and time was of the essence, so let’s run into Safeway and pick up a warm melon. I know this sounds harsh, but for those folks who labored over stove and barbecue, it just doesn’t equate. Instead, go make us a taco salad.

Bean salad

Speaking of taco salads, I know I’m going to get heck over this, but a bean salad is similar to the potato salad problem with one key difference — even if you made bean salad correctly, no one wants it. Come on. It’s a bean salad.

Cheese or veggie tray

Just a smidge beyond bringing a watermelon, this is a poor attempt to provide sustenance to a large group. A cheese tray is delightful if you’re entertaining the foreign press or another group of people you don’t really know, but it presents two clear problems at a friendly barbecue. One is the Safeway factor (get in and get out), and two is the fact that the cheese will inevitable become rubbery and sweaty well before it’s all eaten, making a not-so-nice picture.

Vegetable trays on the other hand seem like a great idea, especially if you have vegetarian friends or guests who make every barbecue awkward. Dad used to say that the only reason celery exists is to give us kids an excuse to say they’re eating healthy. But we were really lathering it with Cheese Whiz or peanut butter, using it as a spoon, then throwing the celery in the trash. Lé Chef calls this Double Dipping, which is a big no-no.

Ambrosia salad

And the last but final thing you shouldn’t bring to a barbecue is an ambrosia salad. Christmas, Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Labor Day and Thanksgiving, it always shows up. This is basically a fruit salad encased in whipped cream. People serve it during meals and pretend it’s not sugar wrapped in more sugar. Presumably it was invented by someone in West Texas who felt whipped cream was a substitute for any real kind of salad dressing. It might sound potentially delicious, but it’s mostly shameful as it’s little more than fat with sugar on top of aging soft chunks of fruit in a salad bowl.

Finally, it’s over

I’ve taken great pride in my barbecue over the years, but I had to get this off my chest. For more than 45 years I can remember my family and friends delivering massive amounts of barbecue-wannabes such as the above at every event. Enough already.

Take care, but until we meet again, a final thought from my hero, Will Rogers:

“Live your life so that whenever you lose, you’re ahead.”

Adios!

Ken Paulk is a Benicia resident.