DEAR BENICIANS AND BEYOND,

It just doesn’t get much better than this weekend for sheer entertainment, fun, fellowship and food.

It all starts this Saturday at the Sacramento Classic Car & Parts Swap Meet at the Sleep Train Arena just off Interstate 5 and Del Paso Road. Gates open at 6 a.m. and I plan to be there around 9. It costs $10, but it’s well worth it. Pre-1970 cars and parts will be up for grabs and the cool thing is NO flea market stuff — no pots, trinkets, jewelry, knives, guns or even food will be sold. We’re talking just Man (and Woman) Cave Stuff for those looking to add to their collection or just start one.

This is a hoot, so bring cash and your poker face for as the day goes on, the negotiations get stronger. I’m looking for GTO trim, mainly chrome. There’s a car corral where good folks like you want to sell their rides at a premium markup. Who can blame them. Anyone wanting to flop down $60,000 for my GTO … SOLD.

No pets, scooters, skateboards, motorcycles, food (said this already), crying babies (unless over 21) will be allowed. Just pure fun and a whole lot to take in.

Back At the Ranch

Friday night around 7 p.m. we’ll have the contestants and judges gather at Rookies Bar & Grill to pass out the slabs of ribs and go over the rules. We have room for 20 contestants but slots are filling up. If you remember, this year’s judges are Benicia Fire Department Division Chief Nick Thomas, City Councilmember Mark Hughes and The Benicia Herald’s Angela Marchant.

As in years past, the judges will be allowed to make a showing Friday night, but I’ll ask Lt. Frank Hartig to be there incognito to make sure no monkey business is going on. They will then be sequestered into a 1965 International Harvester school bus and taken into seclusion somewhere around Jenner-by-the-Sea until Sunday morning.

As in years past, the score sheet will have nine sections: Appearance, Scent, Smoke, Flavor, Seasoning, Sauce, Texture, Moisture and Balance. We really don’t need nine categories but we wanted to confuse the judges. I shouldn’t share my opinion of each section, but what the heck.

Appearance goes hand in hand with presentation. Each contestant will be given three clam dishes to present each judge. Meat side up, shiny in the sun, and looking mouthwatering delicious is the key.

Scent is each to his own. I plan to use a lot of syrup in my sauce along with brown sugar, so I want them to smell sweet. Burnt and over-smoked are a no-no and will give you away almost immediately.

Smoke — the judges should be looking for a neat pink ring from outside in about 1/4 inch. This is the smoke ring, the telltale of good ribs. The key is to get the smoke rings nice and pink, but without drying the meat.

Flavor stands on its own. Ever heard the phrase “looks good, tastes bad”? Well this is not where you want to go. When our judges start, we’ll caution them to take a bite, move it around a little, then deposit it in the trash can. Take a drink of water, eat a cracker, and hit another rib. Flavor is what it’s all about.

Seasoning is just another step to confuse the judges. I plan to use garlic salt but first soak them overnight in apple sauce. Apple sauce in my opinion helps break down the strands and muscle tissues, making a great tender rib. FYI, anyone caught boiling ribs in the Tony Roma fashion will be banned from the parking lot forever, so don’t do it.

Sauce is sauce, Texture is texture and Moisture is moisture. I guess I could write a paragraph for each, but my hand is hurting and my attention span is growing shorter with each word.

Balance is the key to the winning lotto numbers. In 2012 as in 2013, we had two contestants who brought it all together with almost a perfect score sheet. In 2012 it was Mad Man Moody Smokes. Try to say that a couple times after a couple of pints. The 2013 winner was JC’s Fantastic Ribs. What was so unusual about both was their equipment and setup. MMMS had a large layout that looked like it came in from West Texas or parts unknown. JCFS used a backyard setup, which tells me the playing field is level. We had pros and first-timers as well as young and old (me).

I got a kick out of the judges over the past two years. Everyone starts off very sincere, with a look of perfection on their face. Early on the judges look carefully at the rib; roll it around, check the color, sniff ’em and finally take a bite. Toward the end of the contest, heads are in their hands and it’s more like: chow down on a chunk, take some water and yell “NEXT!” In Mark Hughes’s own words, “I never wanted nor took a bite of pork for the next six months.”

Where Do I Go and When Do I Arrive

This Friday night there will be a meeting for all judges and contestants at Rookies starting at 7 p.m. Ribs and rules will be passed out. I can’t make it, but Rob will do a great job handling the crowd. For those still wanting to enter, go online to Rookies’ Facebook page or just stop in. The parking lot will be open Sunday morning around 6 for staging. We need to get everyone positioned as the hot rods and muscle cars for the Benicia High School car show will be coming down First Street at 9 a.m.

For a Good Cause

Remember, Rookies is donating net proceeds to two great causes: The Benicia High School Athletic Fund and the Hemophilia Foundation. We need all Benicians and Beyond to get behind these great causes, and support our Panther band members by attending the Car Show. This is one of those weekends that come along only once a year, so take time off and enjoy the day. We hope to see you there!

One final comment, or may I state, a recipe for baby back ribs.

3 slabs BB ribs
Talk nice to your ribs and tell them how much you want them to win
Give them a good rub down with your own potions and flavors
Let them take a long nap before the event, covered and quiet
Wake them up and give them another great rub down
Give them a pep talk
Build a warm fire and………………………………..Wait for it………….Wait for it!

Let the games begin!

Adios!

Ken Paulk is a Texas native and a Benicia resident.