YOU KNOW THAT GUY AT YOUR OFFICE WHO’S ALWAYS SICK?

You know the one; he constantly has something wrong with him — which he uses to:

A.) Get out of doing his work (that half the time you end up having to do).

B.) Receive attention that he would otherwise not get (attention you’d be getting if he wasn’t hogging it with his ruse of some mysterious illness).

And don’t you just hate that guy? I mean here you are, working hard, following the rules, doing your best, and he comes along and gets a free ride just because he’s willing to group all the symptoms that everybody gets every now and then into some mysterious pretend malady.

Like maybe he had a cough two days ago (just like the one you imagine he’d get breathing the exhaust fumes of that old beater he drives) or maybe he had a weird rash on his cheek last week (which you’re sure wouldn’t have happened if he’d just wash his pillow case once in a while). But rather than admit it’s just stuff like everyone gets now and again, he’s got to claim it’s the latest fad syndrome or debility.

And here’s the worst part — because he picks conditions that have no visible symptoms, you can’t call him on his deception. You’re sure he’s faking it — for the attention and special treatment — but dang it, you just can’t prove it because the maladies he claims to have don’t have any outward manifestations.

Last year he told everyone he had fibromyalgia, remember? And what are the symptoms of that? A few aches and pains — well for God’s sake who doesn’t have aches and pains?

And what was it the year before that? Oh yeah, chronic fatigue syndrome. That horribly debilitating condition in which you get — wait for it… fatigued! Isn’t that what everyone pretty much feels every day as we drag our bones home from work?

I wonder what he’ll come up with next. TMJ? Probably, as there’s no way for anyone to prove his jaw doesn’t hurt (and for someone who talks as much as he does, why wouldn’t it hurt?) Or maybe ADD. Oh wait, is it ADD or ADHD? Maybe it’s HDTV? No, I think HDTV is what causes ADD.

Well, whichever one it is, again, nobody will be able to prove he doesn’t have it.

Crafty bugger.

What do you want to bet this time he goes with gluten intolerance — that seems to be the latest fad among the attention-seeking special-needs crowd. Imagine having an illness that’s caused by eating wheat!

Wheat has got to be in like 90 percent of food eaten on a regular basis, right? So I guess if you’ve got that (imagined) illness you’ll never run out of reasons why you need help, attention and special treatment.

Man I just hate getting in line behind one of those whiners at the lunch counter as they ask if there’s any wheat gluten in the blue plate special. Hello, it’s a sandwich — of course there’s wheat in it! And then they want the wheat removed. OK, but isn’t that like taking rubber out of tires? Whatever. Just so long as they get their attention and special treatment I guess they’re happy.

Perhaps shedding a light on the topic will help you, John. Yes, there are people out there who crave the attention they may get from having an “ailment’”or “malady,” and there are also people out there who get attention for acting out or being overdramatic. See them for who they are and don’t lump them with the people who actually have an illness.

I find it interesting that we will sympathize with a person who has lost a limb, or is blind, or has a condition we can see, but we criticize people who have a problem that you and I cannot detect. Our first inclination is to assume they are faking to get attention.

I’ve read that women are much more likely to develop fibromyalgia than men. The same is true with gluten intolerance. Perhaps if more men suffered from these ailments, we would have a better understanding of how they affect our bodies.

Did you know that the wheat we eat today is nothing like the wheat our great-grandparents grew up with? It is processed through milling to the point of removing most of the nutrients. In the 1950s and ’60s, in an effort to stamp out world hunger, scientists genetically modified wheat to the point that it is virtually unrecognizable as the old grain it once was. And in their haste to get this new grain to the public, it was never tested on animals or humans.

We have been the guinea pigs for this wheat for the last 60 years.

I take your point Loretta – if someone is hopping around on one leg it’s pretty easy to see they have a physical challenge. But what about gluten sensitivity? How do you know (or I know) that you have it?

Oh, one more thing: I’m a big fan of the interwebs — and I’m pretty sure I’ve seen studies there that say gluten intolerance isn’t a real thing. It’s just something someone made up. And that wheat is always OK — for everybody.

I’ve recently read studies showing that gluten intolerance is not real, also. One claimed to have studied 37 people for nine days. I stopped reading at that point. It would be hard to convince me that 37 subjects could represent the gluten-intolerant community. But what really surprised me was that the study was over just a nine-day period, with three different diets.

I have DH, or Duhring’s Disease. I cannot have gluten in my diet, period. When I do ingest gluten even at one meal, it takes days or even weeks for my body to stop reacting to the gluten.

I also have a son who is wheat intolerant.

So how do you tell what it looks like? You don’t. Unless you have a gluten/wheat intolerance or celiac or DH, or live with someone who does, you won’t be able to see the very real, very uncomfortable symptoms associated with it.

And you also know that whatever you believe, you can find an argument for it on the Internet. Did you ever see those commercials of doctors actually smoking cigarettes on TV claiming they were harmless? Or how about the “proof” that lead in our gasoline is safe? Or maybe that old newsreel showing children looking up as a biplane crop-dusted DDT over their heads, proving to the American public it was not dangerous!

I say when it comes to what we eat, we should all trust our gut, not a study paid for by someone who may have a vested interest in what we consume.

You know, now that you mention it, I do recall that weird rash that spread across your body over the course of most of last year. And what did you call it — Duhring’s Disease? Isn’t that the condition the doctor we went to see also referred to as dermatitis herpetiformis?

And I do now remember that after you stopped ingesting wheat, the painful and chronic rash went away, and the extreme discomfort you’d been feeling inside and out for months and months finally subsided.

And I recall the morning at the coffee shop when your eyes welled up with tears because you just couldn’t take the pain and discomfort in association with us not knowing what the hell was going on.

I guess we figured it couldn’t be related to your diet because the food industry certainly wouldn’t provide us with grains that were unhealthy and, for some, downright dangerous — would they?

Turns out maybe they would …

John P. Gavin is the author of “Online Dating Sucks … but it’s how I fell in love,” which is available at Bookshop Benicia. Loretta Gavin is a writer and mother of two — and the subject of John’s book.