I HAVE AN INFALLIBLE METHOD FOR LOCATING THINGS THAT ARE LOST.

It doesn’t involve a metal detector, or a divining rod. And it certainly doesn’t involve asking a dead relative where the missing item is (I know that sounds obscure, but it’s the go to method my Mom uses). It’s actually a pretty straight forward system.

I ask my wife.

Loretta is amazing in her capacity to know where stuff is. I mean she’s amazing in general, but when it comes to locating something I’ve been seeking, without luck, for the past two hours, she’s like freaky amazing.

The location conversation usually plays out something like this: “Loretta, have you seen my machete?” “Yes, honey. It’s on your night stand next to the bed, under you’re October 2012 issue of Hot VW’s Magazine.” “Oh, okay — thanks Sweetheart”.

And just like that the item which has just robbed me of two hours of my life I’ll never get back has been located. How the hell does she do that, by the way? And are all women like that?

I am absolutely amazed that my husband cannot keep track of his stuff. It’s like there is no system in place that he uses to first, put something away, and then second, retrieve said thing later. It’s really quite simple, to me anyway. You just put things in their ‘place’ and then you will know exactly where it is when you need it.

John likes to help me out around the house, which is awesome. But, when he puts away the dishes, things seem to find a new drawer each time. How hard is it to put the spatulas away in the same top drawer on the right side of the stove?

I learned a long time ago, the secret to a happy relationship is to not sweat the small stuff. And the kitchen is small enough that I will eventually find the item I am searching for.

But the real question I have is: Do guys think the uterus is a homing device?

I actually find it quite useful to have someone around who seems to have an image, catalogued in her mind, of every item I will or might need in the course of my day. I have to admit, it’s usually work stuff. I have this endearing habit of sort of leaving things in the last place I used them, rather than back where I found them. As in the example above, if I’ve been out pruning ivy with my machete and then decided I needed something in my bedroom — say soccer cleats or a pocket knife — and then lose track of the machete, Loretta will somehow intrinsically know it now resides on my nightstand. I guess I could probably figure that out too, but dang it, it’s so cute when she does it and then feigns exasperation with me.

I guess it’s just become one of those fun little games that married couples develop so as to make their relationship even closer, you know?

I remember when I was little, my Dad was always asking my Mom where something he was looking for was located. She always seemed to know exactly where it was. And I’ve seen this same scenario play out with many other couples too. The last time we were visiting my son and his wife, I counted no less than ten times during the two days we were there, him asking his wife where his keys were, or phone or socks! And she always knew exactly where these items were.

So what’s the deal here? Is it a female thing to know where our ‘stuff’ is? I don’t recall keeping track of all my stuff, but I seem to know where it is when I need it. Don’t men do that too?

Our little ‘bonding game’ of me not being able to find stuff, or putting stuff in its wrong place, has become such a part of our routine that I sometimes find myself going out of my way to perpetuate it.

Like here’s one thing I do: I know that Loretta likes her spatulas to all be in the drawer to the right of the oven. But when I empty the dishwasher do I put them there? Of course not! I mean how boring would it be to have the exact same stuff in the exact same place all the dang time?

Can you say mundane?

So what I do is sometimes I put all the spatulas in the right drawer, and then sometimes I put them all in the left drawer. Oh, and then sometimes I mix it up by putting some of them in one drawer and the rest in another.

Yes that’s a lot of work, but isn’t my marriage worth it? You bet it is! And you should see the look on her face after I get the drawer right the previous time only to foul it all up the time after that.

Priceless.

You know, I think I’m really starting to get the hang of this whole marital deal.

I am beginning to think that guys know exactly where their ‘stuff’ is too. As a matter of fact, I sort of remember my Dad getting a little smile on his face and giving my Mom a playful pat as she handed over the item he had ‘lost’. And I did notice a kind of gleam in my son’s eyes as he watched his wife go retrieve the keys or phone or socks for him.

And now that I think about it, John knows exactly where his soccer bag is for his games every Wednesday night and Saturday morning. And when he decides to skateboard down our big driveway to the mailbox, he finds that long board pretty darn quick.

I have to admit, I think I like it that John asks me where stuff is. It makes me feel like I’m needed, you know?

I got to tell you, there’s another upside to that woman’s memory — she remembers that we’re important enough to each other we shouldn’t let little things bother us. I’d say I found a good one this time.

Oh hell, now where did I put my soccer bag?

Loretta?!

John P. Gavin is the author of “Online Dating Sucks … but it’s how I fell in love,” which is available at Bookshop Benicia. Loretta Gavin is a writer and mother of two — and the subject of John’s book.