ALL RIGHT, someone here needs to make perfectly clear just what is and is not acceptable aggression toward other countries.

The reason I say this is because in my house (population four: Me, Loretta, a toothless Chihuahua and a senile cat), there seems to be a generally underwhelming reaction to Vladimir Putin’s de facto invasion of the Crimean Peninsula.

I mean sure, if you look at the 1997 treaty, all the troops Russia currently has in Crimea are legally allowed to be there. And Vlad hasn’t actually attacked anyone. All he’s really done so far is threaten to take back a spit of land that, until Nikita Khrushchev mistakenly gave it to Ukraine in 1954, Russia controlled anyway.

But still – this must not stand!

What is really pressing – and I mean of utmost importance and needs immediate and full attention – is our upcoming reception. John and I got married a year ago at City Hall in San Francisco, which meant we could only have six close family members attend. Our kids didn’t even get to come. So a year later, we are having the reception at our favorite place, the beach.

This is a full on, sit-down dinner affair that requires lots of planning!

There’s the budget to consider, the menu, the décor, the attire, the seating arrangements. Not to mention activities and music.

We need to get a karaoke machine for sure.

If someone here at the house would just get on board with me – you know, show solidarity – I’d feel better about things. Then maybe it wouldn’t seem like no one but me cares about not letting that Russian bully Putin get away with this farce.

I mean we have international standards, for goodness sake. You cannot just roll your troops from inside their bases in Crimea to outside their bases in Crimea! What’s next? Do we just give them Hawaii too? I hate to say it, but I may have to side with the Republicans on this one, because Obama seems to be doing about what the Chihuahua, the cat and my hippy chick wife are doing about this dilemma: Nothing!

I’ve collected photos, I came up with a preliminary menu, and I even made sure it is an Irish/beach theme for this thing. I’m pretty sure I didn’t get married by myself, so you would think my husband would be interested in the details of the party that just so happens to have his entire family, childhood friends and Air Force buddies attending.

Oh sure, he’s all interested when it comes to me asking him to taste test the recipe for Irish Potato Leek soup, but when I ask him to look at the little note cards with everyone’s name on them arranged on a table, he starts mumbling something about how the arrangement of Russian/Ukrainian/Crimean/Tatar people will play out.

We are down to the wire here, with little more than a week until the big day. We haven’t ordered flowers yet, and we need to call the rental place TODAY.

Yes, yes, the details of this Russian misadventure are a lot to grasp: Crimea is a semiautonomous republic anyhow. And Ukraine really has little claim on it other than a few

Ukrainians did apparently move to the peninsula at some point. And, yes, Russian is the language used in Crimea. And a whole lot of Crimeans prefer casting their lot in with strong Mother Russia vs. corrupt Father Ukraine.

But still….

There has to be a constructive way we can spend our time to ensure that what needs to happen gets done! Hey, I know, we could have Europe impose economic sanctions on old Vlad Putin. That way, his trading partners in the European Union can pressure him to do what needs to be done.

Oh wait, Russia supplies most of Europe with gas for their heaters. And it’s still winter.

Okay, scratch that plan. Just give me a minute here to come up with another one…

And then there are the supplies we need. When you throw a destination party you have to pay close attention to the details.

I’ve compiled a three ring binder with photos, all of the recipes, the rental info, the projects that need to be completed, and we still have several people who haven’t committed one way or the other to coming.

And since we are the hosts of about 12 family members for two nights, there are the other meals to prepare. Breakfast for two days, lunches, snacks. And we have vegetarian, lactose intolerant, and gluten free people to consider.

I’m really going to need my husband to focus and help with this. I’ve got all the pretty shells glued to the letters L-O-V-E and I need him to figure out how to hook them together and preferably make them stand them up, too.

Who’s giving the toasts? Do we have traditional Irish wedding bells there? Where do we get those?

Well now that I think about it, there may not be a good way to punish Putin on this one.

I mean, just think of the logistics of the thing. If we wanted to move forces there, the planning alone would be mind boggling.

Where would we put them? How would we feed them? What would they do for entertainment? (Thought I heard somewhere that karaoke is fun).

When you’re in one spot – like here – and you’re trying to plan for events in another spot – like there – it’s really tough to cover all the myriad details, you know? But I’m sure we have some sort of specialists who are more than capable of keeping track of such a gathering.

They need someone like Loretta – she’s great with stuff like that.

All right, so maybe I’m overthinking this whole thing. I mean, these situations usually take care of themselves anyhow. And I can’t imagine that Crimea, with its ethnically Russian population, reverting back to Russian control will be the end of the world.

Besides, the Crimeans are conducting a democratic referendum on whether they want to remain part of broke Ukraine or go back to relatively prosperous Russia. People need to be heard, right?

Besides, I think I’m getting too preoccupied by events which have very little bearing on my life.

Maybe I’ll go see what Loretta’s doing. Who knows, maybe she needs help with something…

John P. Gavin is the author of “Online Dating Sucks … but it’s how I fell in love,” which is available at Bookshop Benicia. Loretta Gavin is a writer and mother of two — and the subject of John’s book.