I WANT MY MARRIAGE TO BE AN ADULT.

Allow me to explain that statement. I have two adorable granddaughters. The oldest was born just 10 days before I met John. And my youngest granddaughter was born four days after John and I got married. So, in a visual way, they represent the maturity of our relationship.

And I would like to see our marriage turn into a teenager and then young adult and, with any luck, even a thirtysomething. So I guess my question is, why don’t some relationships grow up to be adults?

The month of June has been a rough one for a few couples I know. Three of my friends have ended their relationships this month. They were all in the infant or toddler stages of their relationships, but I thought for sure at least two of them would have made it to teenagers.

I can understand why each of them ended, but I can also see how each could have turned into lasting relationships. So why did they end?

I remember back when I was searching for love via online dating, I joined OkCupid and set up a profile and started answering all the survey questions in order to better find the right match. One of the questions on the survey was, “Which is more important to keep a relationship together: Love or Level of Commitment?”

Now, I am what my friends describe as a hopeless romantic. I believe in true love, soul mates and even finding “the one.” I know that’s pretty corny and old school. Nowadays you are supposed to be more pragmatic and realistic when it comes to love. But still.

OkCupid said that when you answer the questions, don’t think about your answer, just pick the first one that comes to mind. When I answered that question I checked: “Level of Commitment.”

Huh. Really? Level of commitment sure doesn’t sound very romantic. I can’t remember any other questions, even though I answered probably 100 of them, but that one has stayed with me.

So is level of commitment the reason my three friends ended their relationships, as opposed to working on any issues they had? Or were they just not feeling the love?

John’s friend Jack is a 42-year-old single dad and a great guy. He is that man we want to see in a really good, solid romantic relationship. Part of the reason we want that for him is because he is a bit of a romantic himself. He is busy working and doesn’t have the time to find a woman to date, so we suggested he try online dating. He immediately said no way, that wasn’t for him. But then two days later he joined eHarmony.

We were surprised when just a few days after that he called us up to tell us he met a wonderful woman and they hit it off on the very first meet and greet. Wow, I thought, how lucky. It took me a whole lot of meet and greets to find John. And I know John went on more than his fair share before he met me. But maybe there are those lucky ones who find someone right away.

When Jack introduced us to her, they seemed like the perfect fit. Unfortunately that relationship didn’t last out of infancy. Jack learned that he really didn’t want to start over with a young family. His kids are just leaving home and he is ready to travel and enjoy having an empty nest. The great woman he met has young kids and a very different parenting style.

I’m glad at 42 he recognized that they were in different stages of their lives and he didn’t try to make it fit. Even though it was a hard thing to do, it was the right thing for him to do.

The next friend who broke up was Dave. He is in his early 50s and was married for 20 years or so. He was caught off guard when his wife decided to suddenly move out, leaving everything behind. I watched him go through the pain and agony of divorce, all the while keeping his business going and helping their two sons adjust.

When he was ready to start dating, he got online. He took to online dating like a kid in a candy store. It was fun listening to the stories of his meet and greets. And I used to poke fun at him, calling him a serial dater. He would always tell me he was looking for a woman who would look at him with love in her eyes.

I was delighted to hear that he finally found that girl. He didn’t meet her online; she was someone he had met years prior to his divorce. Perfect, I thought.

Except that she lived several states away. For two years they traveled back and forth visiting each other. They were happy and very much in love and their relationship had matured enough to see its natural path ahead. Dave was all set to move to her state and I could hear wedding bells ringing.

And then he just broke it off.

Instead of getting a wedding invitation, I got a call from Dave saying it was over. I couldn’t believe it. But when John and I talked about it, we could see the signs. Long-distance relationships are probably the most difficult to move forward. It’s our experience that you can’t really get to know someone until you live with them. In a long-distance relationship it’s easy to fall into sort of “playing house” with each other. And playing house isn’t the same as living together.

It’s like when you are all excited about the baby coming home and you get the nursery together and buy all the diapers and that cute little mobile that will hang over the crib. You imagine how wonderful everything will be and how happy and fulfilled you will be. A few months later after sleepless nights and total confusion over what the heck this little person is trying to tell you they need, you look at the haggard person in the mirror and think, “Man, I didn’t know it was going to be this hard!”

The latest breakup news came from Mike. I’ve known Mike for a long time. He is an amazing young man in his 30s who I think is ready to settle down with the right girl.

He too found a wonderful girl through online dating. Neither had been married before, they have no children and they live in the same town. OK, I said, this should work out. They dated for about a year and then suddenly Mike broke things off with her.

Now this one really surprised me. They got along well, were in love and seemed happy together. But from what Mike told me, it sounded like there was an issue with trust.

Yeah, that’s a big one. It’s so hard to build a foundation for a solid relationship if trust has been shaken. Could they overcome that?

So back to my original question: Is it love that keeps us together, or is it level of commitment?

You can’t control love. It either shows up or it doesn’t. But you do have some control over whether you decide to hang in there or move on.

I’ll share something personal here: Being in a committed relationship is hard for me. Yes, there are days — lots of them — that are truly magical and wonderful. But there are also days — and just one feels like too many — that are hard. I love my husband dearly, but he sure can be difficult. OK, so maybe I’m not the easiest person to live with either.

My point is, we love each other, but unlike the song says, love won’t keep us together.

I think when we are in a relationship there is a sense of losing control, especially when things aren’t going great. One way to get your control back is to back out. And that works — but another way to get control is to know that you are in it to win it.

Even when the chips are down and things look and feel out of control, there is a wonderful sense of power that comes from knowing, deep down, you are going to figure this out and help each other.

I guess the trick is to find that person you want to go through not only the happy growing together times, but the sleepless confused times, too.

That way you will be able to see the adult your relationship turns out to be.

Loretta Gavin is a writer and mother of two. She’s married to the author of “Online Dating Sucks … but it’s How I Fell in Love.” She’s also the subject of that book.