By Rob Peters

APOSTLES OF THE NRA’S Chief Executive Officer Wayne LaPierre have applauded his recent scientific proclamation. Armed with longstanding, profoundly moving sociological and organizational studies — too evaporative (and vituperative) to mention — Wayne’s data declares definitively that the only way to protect school children against a “bad guy with a gun (BG-WAG)” is a “good guy with a gun (GG-WAG).”

(Author’s note: In the interest of truth-in-research protocol, the acronyms are mine.)

Law enforcement is incredibly relieved to hear this; they were busy studying too much ephemera and psychology and sociology to notice this simple, precious truth.

It can be stated in mathematical, non-technical terms: more GG-WAGs = fewer BG-WAGs. The operative term is “good” over “bad” guys. There’s a righteous element to this, see? And why are ladies left out of Wayne’s equation? Because this is men’s work. Men need an exclusive domain these days. We do most of the shooting and killing, after all. All hail Wayne.

So how exactly do we proceed? I’d do it, if I could. I’m a good guy. No, really — I mean it. So would you. You’re a good guy. It’s the bad guys who don’t even need to submit a letter of interest, much less a job app. (And no one, but no one, wants to snore over a “bad guy” résumé.) But we’re both too busy, like, working at our jobs. It’s got to be an out-of-work good guy, with a gun — someone who has the time and wherewithal to transform into one of Wayne’s GG-WAGs.

This shouldn’t be too hard, according to Wayne. First, get a gun. At many of the finest establishments, you’re awarded a purchase receipt that includes an oddly worded facsimile of the Second Amendment. Probably transcribed by guys using spell-check. Good guys. Like me, like you. That’s good.

Oh sure, sure, there’s a few teeny questions. There’s the matter of the exact perch in the school facility. Dangle from the gym rafters? Parking lot patrols? Underneath counselors’ desks? And whether to show up for first graders’ show-and-tell classroom presentations.

Will the new employee be given — or have to pay for — a really cool badge or armband or turban or something, the kind you and I have always wanted since, like, the second grade? Oh, tish — forget that one. What does it matter, really, if you’re a manly GG-WAG?

Equipment-wise, there are a few outstanding questions, especially about the gun/rifle and bullet magazine itself — what size, range, caliber, weight thrust and color? Corinthian leather barrel stock? The ever-fashionable grenade-green? Nothing screams safety like camo. Capes are notable.

We must, of course, anticipate the tea partiers’ primary concerns: Is there an allowable, categorical-funded line item in the public schools for “school site(s) weapon with salaried, good shooter(s)?” Would a two-thirds vote be required before arming? There’s some back-channel discussion that behavioral objectives be established — that the hiree nick a few, you know, would-be troublemakers annually; that way their job tenure is neatly linked to the number of students and staff they’ve saved successfully. Or maybe saved.

A final few lingering issues: Practically speaking, if our school board announces this is a recess appointment, will that pretty much dictate the GG-WAG’s working hours?

When’s lunch, and what if the GG-WAG’s medications got held up because the ^*#%! pharmacy lost the slips? (Yes … again.) What’s this job pay, anyhow? When he needs a bathroom break, what happens to his “heat?”

Maybe we can keep the schools locked down a lot. Keep the fish in the barrel, so to speak — fenced in, for their own safety, of course.

So never fear. Tougher challenges have emanated from our community’s schools. Good minds and good guys can solve this. Good guys with guns, Tonto.

No prob. School is starting. And if other sorts of related questions arise, you know who to consult for the latest deep research on the subject. Wayne’s brain is working overtime.…

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