Ready for another woodworking two-parter? It’s esoteric. I hope it translates. I kept a list of every woodworking screw up I made while applying epoxy resin to a redwood slab. Epoxy is thick liquid plastic that is poured on, not brushed on. My list was going to be for personal use. Why expose my mistakes? I just did that last week.
Instead I posted the list on Reddit just for the feedback and me-too stories. It was well received. I got a message from Reddit the next day. It said, “Your comment has been guilded. An anonymous Redditor liked your comment so much that they guilded it, giving you Reddit Gold.”
Never hear of that. Turns out I’m now promoted in Reddit to Gold Status. I get access to subreddits that others cannot join – the Lounge. I get all sorts of special features for managing my account that people must otherwise pay money for. In the Lounge, I got promoted again. Now I’m able to access MegaLounge. Cool. Though I don’t know how many gold benefits I’ll use.
I did a word count. My mistakes list is 1,600 words long. So I best get started. Here are a few pieces of wise advice about applying epoxy to a redwood slab by a total amateur working on his first projects:
When stirring two-part epoxy, do not try to eyeball equal portions no matter how_
_perceptive you think you are. Use a scale or measure-marked plastic cups.
When stirring epoxy do not try to guesstimate how long five minutes is. Use the timer on your phone.
When using the timer on your phone, be sure to wipe your hands off before you touch your phone.
When stirring epoxy do not try to guesstimate how much you will need. It’s seldom enough. Measure! To heck with the old saying — waste not want not. It’s better to have a little too much._
When you do mix too much epoxy for your application, do not wander around your property looking for some piece of wood or backyard surface to pour it over to embellish or beautify anything. It is going to look like crap. Just dispose of your excess epoxy.
When stirring epoxy, it does not matter how sterile the environment is, if you pick up your stir stick from your workbench and jam it into your mixture without wiping it off first, expect to see flecks of dirt and dead bugs in your mix.
When applying a coat of epoxy, do not torture it. Scoot it around as necessary and then leave it the hell alone.
When applying epoxy wear good rubber gloves so you can apply the resin to the sides of your table by hand. Do not wear cloth-and-leather carpenter’s gloves.
When applying epoxy, do not drip sweat from the end of your nose onto the surface of your redwood slab. Also, unless you are bald, do not scratch your head while leaning over your liquid epoxy.
When applying epoxy be sure to tape off the underside of your table so you do not get hard drippy runs that you have to razor off, scrape off, or sand off.
When you do get drippy runs under your un-taped table, wipe it down with acetone before it hardens. Do not put that task off for the next day.
Also be sure to remove the tape once cleanup is done and before it becomes permanently embedded underneath hard plastic._
When applying epoxy over 75° as instructed, it does not matter how beautiful the day is. If you apply it with your garage door open and a gentle breeze blowing, expect to find clusters of dust bunnies stuck to your epoxy finish.
When applying epoxy, do not wait until it has been applied before you go looking for your heat gun, or blow dryer, or your torch or whatever you’re using to pop bubbles. Do not use a weed torch no matter how convenient it is to find._
When popping bubbles, do not think that you are finished simply because you are tired of standing there.
Pop till you drop. Even then do not simply walk away for the rest of the day. Come back in 10 minutes and check again, and again, until you are bubble free. One trapped bubble will ruin the look.
If you find yourself sanding off your epoxy basecoat because you let bubbles form even though you stood around for a whole 15 minutes on torch duty, do not attempt to shortcut the sanding by simply sanding the tops of the bubbles open. You need to sand the bubbles gone even if you go back to bare wood.
If you are applying epoxy in your garage and you were smart enough to leave the garage door closed and seek safe ventilation in other ways, and your wife is out grocery shopping, be sure to send her a text message and tell her, please do not open the garage door when you pull into the driveway.
Moron wood next week.

Steve Gibbs is a retired Benicia High School teacher who has written a column for The Herald since 1985.

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