Hope you’re ready for this four-part misadventure. We weren’t. But as they say, that which does not destroy us…
First, thank you all for tolerating my two-week rant on woodworking blunders. During that time, I was on the road, away from a keyboard. I’m back now in one piece and somewhat ready to relive our journey.
For summary I’ll say our trip was half nightmare, half sweet dream. Under life’s rocks we may find spiders or gold. Come ride along with us.
Susan and I scheduled our annual trip back to dear Ridgway PA to visit friends and family. As usual we use our Ridgway loft as a launch point to visit other east coast attractions. This trip Susan spun the adventure dial and the needle stopped on Montréal Canada. “Let’s drive up there with Gino and Patricia and see what’s shaking,” she said. It echoed the haunting historic suggestion, “Let’s visit America aboard the Titanic.”
Gino and Patricia drove up five hours from Philly. We caught some sleep, jumped in his Tundra, and headed north. Our entire trip would total 1,124 miles in four days. Our 476-mile trip to Montreal, up through Syracuse, New York, ran mostly on back roads. We decided to use flea markets and yard sales as our traveling distraction.
Everything went fine until we reached the border. We’ve driven to Canada multiple times over the years to Niagara Falls, Toronto, and Thunder Bay. We were used to polite treatment by border patrol: “Welcome, folks. Where are you going? How long? Any guns, knives, or contraband? No? OK. Proceed. Have a nice day.”
This time it was a wee bit different.

Booth guard: Any guns, knives, weapons, contraband?
Us: No, sir. (Gino hands him his passport. We are holding ours up, waiting to be asked one at a time)
Booth guard (Angrily): Why am I only getting one passport?
Us: Sorry. We were waiting our turn.
Booth Guard (Holding all four passports): Any guns, knives, weapons, contraband?
Us: No, sir.
Booth Guard: Any contraband, weapons, knives, or guns?
Us (again): No, sir.
Booth Guard: You don’t have any guns or knives? No weapons of any sort? No contraband? Any food?
Us: No, sir.
Booth Guard (angrily): Why did none of you sign your passports? They are not valid for travel without signatures.
Us (Chagrined): Oops. We are sorry. We all just received brand new passports. We forgot to sign them.
Booth Guard: Pull in under the green awning. (He doesn’t give us a chance to sign. He writes notes on a yellow card, writing our home state CA a bit crooked so it looked like VA)
We pull in and park. Four border patrol officers come to our truck.
Guard One: Do you have any guns, knives, weapons of any sort? Any contraband?
Us: No, sir.
Guard One: Step out of the vehicle. (We do.) What is your destination?
Us: Montreal
Guard One: Montreal? Why are you going to Montreal?
Us (shrugging): We don’t know yet. We just want to explore the city.
Guard One: You’re telling me you are going to Montreal for no reason? You are not attending any event or festival?
Us (shrugging): Maybe. We don’t know.
Guard One: Hmmm. Why Montreal?
Us (shrugging): Not sure. Haven’t been there. Just curious.
Guard One: So you are driving all the way to Montreal for no reason?
Us: Yes, sir.
Guard One: Hmm. Why did you tell the booth guard you were from Virginia when your passport says California?
Us: No idea, sir.
Guard One: Go sit on that bench until we finish searching your vehicle.
Patricia: Where are your restrooms?
Guard Two: Inside the door to the right.
Three of us sit on the bench. Patricia goes to the restroom. She returns. Gino goes to the restroom. While he’s gone, Guard One comes over holding a small baggie full of walnuts and a few pretzels.)
Guard One: I thought you said you had no food? Where is the driver of this vehicle?
Us: He went to the restroom. (He fumes. Gino returns, whistling.)
Guard One (to Gino, loud, scolding): I told you to sit on the bench until we were finished. You disobeyed a direct order. Why did you go to the restroom?
Gino (shrugs): Sorry. I had to pee. We’re old. We’ve been driving for two hours.
Guard One: You disobeyed a direct order. Do you know how that looks? Come with me. (He takes Gino to his truck and makes him remove his backseat so they could look underneath.)
Guard Two: We still don’t understand why you’re going to Montreal for no reason.
Susan: We are just exploring. And we love Trudeau.
All Four Guards (Not smiling): We don’t appreciate jokes at the border.

An hour later, after going through our suitcases, shaving kits, garbage bag, they sent us on our way without a kind word.
Flustered, we made a wrong turn headed away from Montreal. We got extremely nervous. “Oh, God,” said Patricia. “I hope they weren’t watching us. They’ll think we were lying.” We anxiously looked back to see if sirens and flashing lights were chasing us. The tension in the cab was palatable. I had to pee. We thought we were going to jail. Quickly we found a turnaround back to old Montreal.
That’s where things got uglier.

Steve Gibbs is a retired Benicia High School teacher who has written a column for The Herald since 1985.

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