By Steve Gibbs

THE JACQUIE LAWSON E-CARD INVITE went out to the Winslow family a week early. It read, “You are cordially invited to the grandchildren’s house for Thanksgiving this year. Give Grandma and Grandpa a break. Please download the Turkey and Stuffings app for your smartphone, join, give them your email, check your email, verify your identity, select your favorite side dishes, and then forward your response to Monica at RagingVixen-DarkArmiesoftheNight@vampires&zombies.com.”

“Well, dang it. I don’t think I’m going this year,” said Grandpa after he wheeled himself away from the Compaq computer his wife kept in the laundry room for staying up with the family on Facebook.

“Why not, dear?” asked Grandma as she pulled the floppy disk out of the B: drive and put it back in its sleeve.

“Oh, I don’t like all the changes. Everything’s too darn fancy. Jacquie Lawson used to use Macromedia Flash and made a good, basic invitation. Now she’s using that gall-darn ActionScript 3.0 which has too many subroutines. You just can’t find a good, basic E-card these days. I miss the past.” Grandpa went into the next room and emptied his bag.

The rest of the Winslow family responded to the grandchildren with a Happy Face Emoticon and the dinner was set.

On Thanksgiving Eve, the six grandkids all arrived at the most successful grandkid’s house to make dinner for the elders. Smoop was the wealthiest of the grandkids. Years ago he invented the famous Pet Stick and made a fortune, which he shoveled into his new company, Vampires & Zombies CGI Friday, makers of Bloody Orange Fruit Drink and Orange Flesh, which spawned the Bloody Orange Avengers animated movie, and Bloody Orange Action Figures.

On the morning of Thanksgiving, family vehicles began pulling into the driveway. Smoop put out a sign that said, “Electric cars park in back near the charging station. Fuel cell cars please park behind the hydrogen sequester module, not in front of it.”

The kids put a long table in the grand dining room and set up a small folding card table in the corner for the grandparents.

Pete and Betty, Grandpa’s youngest son and his wife, couldn’t make it. Pete had to tune up his particle accelerator and Betty had laundry backed up.

They were eating on the East Coast but holographing their images into two places set for them at the table with the family. “At least his gas won’t be a problem this year,” said Grandpa.

While the young ones cooked, the rest of the family sat and watched the Macy’s Day Parade on their MediaFilm placemats.

“I miss Dick Clark,” said Grandpa.

“That’s New Years, Grandpa,” said little Lindy Lou. “Besides, Dick Clark is dead. He took too many vitamins.”

“It kept him looking young,” said Grandpa.

By now everyone was there, Bill, Mary, Jimmy, Sally, Wendy, Goofus, Dingdong, Snorky, and Bob. The dogs were running about sniffing each other’s microchips. The kids were teasing the family cat with a robotic hummingbird. Everyone was snugly in their element, except Grandpa.

“I miss Windows 98,” he grumbled to anyone who would listen. Most had their BlueTooth EarThought Chat Buds in, however, and were carrying on a telepathic conversation separate from Grandpa.

He didn’t notice it until Jimmy laughed out loud in a quiet room and Mary and Goofus high-sixed each other from across the table. “You’re doing it again, aren’t you?” cussed Grandpa. “You’re talking in space. You may not be able to hear what I’m thinking, but I’m thinking what you’re hearing and I don’t like it.”

Dingdong pulled his tooth out of his ear and apologized. “We’re sorry, Grandpa. It’s just that you say ‘What’ a lot and we can’t talk fast or use slang.”

“What?” asked Grandpa.

Wendy came unplugged. She leaned in to Grandpa and yelled, “He said bloobity bloobity blibity boo, Grandpa!”

“Well, that’s what I thought he said. How come everyone mumbles these days?”

Grandma chimed in. “You children quit teasing Grandpa. He’s had a rough day. The nuclear fission reactor on his Go-Cart is on the fritz. He keeps kicking it, but it won’t run.”

Snorky asked, “Have you considered buying a new one, Grandpa? Fission is kind of old hat.”

“Ah, all this new age living is wearing me out. Have you kids invented anything worth a darn?”

“You know we have, Grandpa,” said Smoop’s live-in ex-wife’s girlfriend. “Here comes dinner.”

The kitchen door swung open and in walked the six grandchildren carrying all the food. It included free-range organic turkey and homegrown potatoes with non-GMO gravy, non-GMO green bean salad, sauce from local cranberries, Alar-free apple strudel, Atrazine-free muffins, naturally sweetened lemonade from the tree outside the kitchen window, whole unpasteurized milk, and a tall, frosty pitcher of ice-cold spring water.

Steve Gibbs teaches at Benicia High School and has written a weekly column for The Herald since 1985.